The Chocolate Teapot

Drunken Campbell: Why do a podcast on the subject of backsliding? We're backslidden Christians and we consider that we belong to one of the biggest religions in the world. 70% of the population of the United States consider themselves to be born again. How many are devout? Only a few. So two thirds of the American population are backslidden born again Christians.
Pastor C Gray: I'm Pastor C Gray and I'm your life coach. We're not here to criticise. We're here to say that two thirds of the American population have a genuine faith that means something to them. God just wants you to live a comfortable life. If you're called to have a well paid job, you'll be happy in my church. And I won't make you pay a 10% tithe. I'm happy with 1%. Some people say, if you give God one dollar, he'll give you ten dollars. I'd be happy enough to have one dollar. Don't give massive amounts of money to the Lord's work so that God will bless your finances. Be content.
Drunken Campbell: Sebastian Bonas writes from Barnsley Theological Seminary. He asks, 'Can you become a Christian just by saying a little prayer?'
Pastor C Gray: Of course you can. You won't be baptised in the Holy Spirit by saying a short prayer, you won't be filled with the Spirit and you won't start actually following Jesus either. But those are optional extras. That sort of stuff comes later, it isn't part of being born again. If you say THE PRAYER you really have to mean it. That's not hard to do when your pianist is playing a happy little tune on the piano and your pastor is asking,'Would you like a home in Heaven? Would you like a friend who is always by your side?' in a tone of voice that makes you wonder if he has ever considered having a sex change operation. Who's going to say no to any of that? One thing you might be able to say no to is when the pastor asks you to repent of your sin. It's a good idea to think of just one sin that you have in your life, one that you don't particularly like doing, and say, yes, I'm willing to be made willing. Certainly, God should stop me doing that. That's as much effort as it actually takes to be born again.
Drunken Campbell: I like what you said about optional extras. Salvation is like buying a car. Let's say I buy a car for £200 and it has 6 months MOT. I have become the legal owner of a legal car. The car has had an MOT, so it isn't going to kill anybody. I have a licence, I'm taxed, I'm insured. Can you buy a car for £200 on the internet and be the owner of a drivable car? You took it for a little drive before you paid the money, it's driveable. It's just that you're going to have loads of problems with that car.
Pastor C Gray: And the person who thinks they can become a Christian by saying a little prayer is going to have lots of problems with their Christian life. Where would you take your car to be serviced? Would you go to the main dealer and get them to do a health check on it?
Drunken Campbell: No I wouldn't. I don't want to know everything that is wrong with that car. I don't want them to replace the body coloured bumpers just because the last owner drove into the garden wall. I don't care about things like that. The car goes, doesn't it? It's a very good service but I could end up paying £2,000 to have a car fixed properly that only cost me £200. I'll wait until the oil goes the wrong shade of black or until thick blue smoke comes out of the exhaust and then I'll take it to the back street garage where they do MOTs for £35. It's such a nice garage. The mechanic there is so nice. He doesn't point out loads of things that are wrong with my car. He just fixes the things that I want him to put right. He just does the necessary repairs to get the car through its MOT and to make sure it doesn't have an accident. He doesn't ask awkward questions like when was the last time you replaced the cylinder heads, when was the last time you replaced the cam timing belt and have you ever had your sparkplugs changed? I don't like questions like that. They make me feel uncomfortable.
Pastor C Gray: Church should be comfortable. Church should be like that garage where they do MOTs for £35. It's somewhere where they don't ask difficult questions. Have some nice chocolate biscuits with your cup of tea, have a jammy dodger. Your pastor is your life coach. Is there any thing in your life that you want to change?
Drunken Campbell: Horatious Mandella writes from the University of East Yorkshire in Rotherham and asks, Pastor C Gray, are you lukewarm?
Pastor C Gray: No I'm not. I'm a photographer. I think we have misunderstood the meaning of the word lukewarm. The water that you use to develop a photograph is exactly lukewarm, it's neither hot nor cold. Put your hand in it and you feel no temperature. That is lukewarm. Read the rest of the chapter about the church in Laodicea. Is a believer blind? Is a believer naked? No. The lukewarm person is the person who thinks that they're a Christian but they're not born again. Most born again Christians are like a pan of baked beans that has been warmed up very gently by someone who is trying not to make the beans stick to the pan. It's annoyingly off the boil. It's not lukewarm.
Drunken Campbell: Ebenezer Grandolph-Woods,this is the best letter of the week. A chocolate coffee mug is on its way to you together with a copy of our new book, What About Me? Ebenezer writes from the Chesterfield Theological Research Centre and says that he is very interested in some of the things that he hears about God but very anxious that God might want him to give up his new car and his house which he has worked for many years to earn.
Pastor C Gray: I like what the English Prime Minister Tony Blair said about The Third Way. He wanted to be a socialist but he didn't want to put up taxes and he didn't want to spend any money. So he came up with the expression The Third Way. Now Ebenezer, have no fear about what will happen to your house and your car. There is a Third Way. There is a way of being a Christian that doesn't cost you anything. The Bible says that if you give all your money to the poor and surrender your body to the flames but have not love, you gain nothing. So don't do it. Just have love. Just be nice to people. When you give, give a tiny amount to something you believe to be very important. Then you can feel good about giving £24 and think, hey, I cured one person of leprosy. Forget that £24 is 0.1% of your salary. You get paid more interest on your current account than you give to the leprosy mission. But you can feel really good.You get some satisfaction from sponsoring a child in the third world and visiting the school that they go to, once in a lifetime, but never as much satisfaction as you get from having a holiday abroad every year or a new car.
Drunken Campbell: Pastor, I like what you say about there being 3 ways. There are people in the Bible who think they are Christians but they're not, when Jesus says to those who worked all those miracles, 'I never knew you.' There are believers in the Bible who lost their salvation and became false prophets. There's no way that the people in the book of Peter didn't know God, if you look at the Amplified Bible that taste of the Kingdom of Heaven was more like drinking deeply of it. Then there's a third group of people. Everybody's work will be burned up on the day of judgement. That which is built on solid foundations will survive but that which is built with hay and stubble will be burned up. But the third group didn't go to Hell. 'He himself will be saved but only as one escaping from the flames.'
Pastor C Gray: For some Christians the day of judgement will be like someone who has passed their driving test 20 years ago but hasn't done any driving for 20 years. Then they suddenly decide to hire a car to go on holiday. They get to the motorway and they don't know what to do. That is what the Bible means by, 'He himself will be saved but only as one escaping from the flames.'
Drunken Campbell: It sounds terrifying.
Pastor C Gray: Yes it does but it's better than losing all your money and going off to some far flung part of the world to preach the gospel. Ebenezer, you're going to have to be very careful never to grow as a Christian. Don't touch the Holy Spirit with a barge pole. That kind of carpet time on the floor during a renewal will really throw you off course. Never read the Bible on your own. It's just too convicting. Don't join Operation Mobilisation. They want you to be a missionary. Don't join the Jesus Army. They want you to sell your house. You need to join a comfortable middle class church where they think, isn't it wonderful that Jesus did all that for us on the cross and expects us to do nothing in return?
Drunken Campbell: Martini Kaufman-Scopes writes from Healing Springs of Flowing Crystal Diamond Rivers church in Buxton and asks should I go out with a non-Christian girl?
Pastor C Gray: Yes you should.
Drunken Campbell: Pastor, I'm so glad you've got such an enlightened attitude. It's really terrible that a Christian can't go out with a non-Christian girl. It's ruination of life. If I lived in Northampton, I'd write to the local newspaper and phone a solicitor. I was in love with a girl 30 years ago, when I was a student. I still have photographic recall of every outfit Julie ever wore. My mother said I should ask Julie for a date. I did. Julie said no.
Pastor C Gray: I wish every Christian would marry a non-Christian. It's just the best way you could ever have a saved soul and a wasted life. That partner will drink more alcohol than you do, they will think sex before marriage is perfectly normal and, more than anything, they will change the way you think. Your partner has more effect on the way you think than anybody. Do you really want to visit that church where the people live on a farm? No. Never. Why do you do evangelism? Do you really think the world is divided into 2 groups of people and that we're all Hell bound? Why did you give that muslim shopkeeper a gospel booklet? Isn't he happy enough with his own religion? I'm not worried about the arguments. The real joy is that you will reach a point where you don't have any arguments and you agree with your partner completely. That's the best way you can know Jesus as Saviour without ever knowing him as Lord.
Drunken Campbell: Should I marry someone who practises witchcraft?
Pastor C Gray: No. You would lose your faith completely. You're saved by faith in Jesus. If you lost your faith, you would go to Hell. Marry someone ordinary. I just want you to be ordinary.
Drunken Campbell: Wyam Medusa King writes from the Philosophical Research Department at the University of Stocksbridge, does a chocolate teapot have any use at all?
Pastor C Gray: No. It is completely useless.
Drunken Campbell: Obviously it would fall apart if you tried to make tea in it but I have fresh orange juice with my dinner and top it up with a jug of cold water. Wouldn't a chocolate teapot full of cold water give me lovely chocolate flavour water in my orange juice?
Pastor C Gray: No. It would leak, even then. We call this programme the chocolate teapot because we wanted to emphasise how the backslidden Christian is both so heavenly minded they're of no earthly use and so earthly minded they're of no heavenly use. When you're a backslidden Christian and you're at a party, you're trying to see how much you can drink without getting drunk. You drink 4 or 5 pints if you do it all the time but you drink half what your partner drinks. You feel guilty if someone points out that you've been drinking. Rats! You've upset God. You were trying not to get drunk. You try to see how close you can get to that opposite sex friend at work without committing adultery. If you do commit adultery, you feel terrible. Rats! Sorry God. I was only flirting. You're no good at being a Christian but you're not much good at drinking or adultery either. You do all these things to a poor standard. You've got a foot in the church and a foot in the world. You can't be totally committed to anything.
Drunken Campbell: That's exactly how I feel.
Pastor C Gray: It's the price you pay for going to Heaven without actually following Jesus. The rich young man asked Jesus, what should I do to inherit eternal life? I would say, fill in a decision card, say this little prayer. Think of one sin you've committed in your last life that really makes you feel bad, that you would be willing to repent of.
Drunken Campbell: Jesus told him, sell everything that you have and give the money to the poor.
Pastor C Gray: Jesus said if you want to be perfect sell everything that you have and give the money to the poor. Who wants to be perfect?
Drunken Campbell: Hiawota Subonio writes from the Theological department at the University of Dewsbury. Today she can hear the voice of God and she is worried about what will happen if she hardens her heart.
Pastor C Gray: Hiawota, it sounds like you've been reading the book of Hebrews. Perhaps the answer is, don't read it. That's why most Christians never read the Bible. It's so easy to be challenged, it's so easy to be convicted. Be a minimilist Christian. Can I survive without the Bible? Can I survive without fellowship? Can I survive without prayer? The answer is always yes.
Drunken Campbell: God does give some very strong warnings to people in the book of Hebrews not to harden their hearts. He tells stories about people in the desert with Moses, 3,000 of them died on the same day.
Pastor C Gray: The book of Hebrews was written to Christians who were being persecuted. Being a Christian in Biblical times would be like being a Christian in the muslim world now. You either have to be all out for Jesus or you lose your faith. If you did that you would go to Hell. But in our country, the devil tempts you with velvet coffin Christianity. We have it too easy in this country. We lie down to it. Hiawota, if God wants you to do something, he will wait. You will sense him by the foot of your bed saying, Hiawota, is it going to happen today? Is it today you're coming back to me? Is it today you're going to obey me?
Drunken Campbell: What happens if you keep saying no?
Pastor C Gray: If my children are disobedient, they won't stop being my children. They can be really naughty, they can get in trouble with the police but they won't ever stop being my children. Hiawota, you're still a child of God. God will wait a long time for you to do what he wants you to do. He will wait for years. He will wait for decades. If he wants you to be a missionary, one day the door will be closed. Then it won't matter.
Drunken Campbell: How will you feel if you're on your death bed and you ignored the calling to become a missionary?
Pastor C Gray: You will feel terrible. I never said that being a backslidden Christian would be absolutely painless.
Drunken Campbell: Most people aren't called to do anything special. They're not called to be missionaries.
Pastor C Gray: We're all called to do something special. Witnessing to friends at work. That's where you were called to be a missionary. There will be tears on the day of judgement. Tears for opportunities that were missed. But those tears can wait until you are on your death bed. In the meantime, you can have a comfortable life.