The Crime Problem

I was woken early one morning by a hammering on my back door. I quickly dressed and rushed downstairs where I found Alun in an unusually good mood.

"Morning Alun," I said, "You seem happy, what's happened?"

"I've just become the most notorious criminal in the history of the world Jed."

"Sounds like you'd have a busy morning." I said. Alun gets up incredibly early  and can accomplish some quite extraordinary feats while I'm still asleep. Just last Friday he woke me at 6.30 to tell me that he'd counted every single grain of sand on the island. Then the next day he woke me at 6.32 to tell me that he'd just done a recount and his original total had been three out. "How have you managed that exactly?"

"Simple Jed, I confessed to every unsolved crime on the mainland, over two million separate offences, some of them dating back over a hundred years."

"That must have been quite a lengthy confession. Surely it would take months, if not years to confess to that many crimes."

"Not at all Jed, I just did a 'select all' on the mainland police unsolved crime website and then clicked the 'guilty' box."

"I'm sure it's not that easy to confess. Don't the police check that sort of thing? Aren't they worried about a miscarriage of justice if someone gets locked up just for clicking the wrong box?"

"Not any more Jed, they don't have any resources, they're desperate to get a conviction any way they can. The police budget's been slashed to buy private jets and yachts for every mainland council minister and a personal satellite navigation system for the minister for space toys. They don't investigate crime any more, they just put a message on their website asking for the culprit to confess."

"Even so," I said, "Was it entirely wise to confess to millions of crimes you haven't committed? Aren't you concerned that you might be sent to prison?"

"I'm sure I will be Jed, but it hardly matters."

"You're very relaxed about prison life. Won't you miss living on Happy Island?"

"That's just the point Jed, there's no money in the justice system for prisons either. I just put in a bid for Happy Island to imprison the culprits responsible for every current outstanding mainland crime. Happy Island is going to be my prison."

"But Happy Island isn't a prison?"

"It is now, Jed. My bid was just £27,500 per year in total, the next lowest bid was in over 500 million mainland pounds, my rival bidders didn't realise it would just be me that they'd be locking up. The mainland council were delighted to offer me the contract, they've saved enough to buy a yacht for ever minister's mistress."

"So you're charging the mainland government £27,500 per year to keep you here on Happy Island?"

"That's right Jed."

But how can you be sure you'll be sentenced to imprisonment on Happy Island. What if the judge makes you pay a fine, or clear up litter instead."

"That's where you come in Jed. You're the judge."

"Me. But I'm not a judge." My previous experience of judging was limited to judging the Happy Island dog show a few years ago, which didn't go well. Snappy the Jack Russell was so annoyed at coming third out of the three dogs we'd entered that he earned the name Snappy - previously he'd been known as Cuddles.

"You are a judge now Jed. Happy Island's bid to try every single current outstanding crime was just £27,00, millions of mainland pounds cheaper than the next best bid."

"So I'm going to be paid £27,300 to sentence you to live on Happy Island."

"That's right Jed."

"And you're going to be paid £27,500 per year to live here."

"It's a win-win situation, everyone's happy. With the money saved every mainland councilor can buy their mistresses a new yacht AND a new private jet. The victims of the crimes can rest assured that the culprit has been caught, sentenced and punished and the police chiefs can celebrate the best crime clear-up figures in history."

"Meanwhile every single criminal on the entire mainland walks free."

"You're making an assumption there Jed."

"Making an assumption?"

"After all, I never said I didn't do it."

"Okay, so you're telling me you really committed every unsolved crime on the mainland in the last hundred years, even though you've never even left the island. Well, as your judge  I don't think confining you to Happy Island is sufficient punishment for over two million crimes."

"You don't?" said Alun, a slight panic entering his voice.

"No, I'm going to sentence you to imprisonment on Happy Island PLUS a community service order.

"Community service order?"

"As part of your sentence you now have to take Snappy for his walkies. I'm fed up of having to wear steel-capped shin-pads every time I go for a walk.