The Bliss of the Hereafter

"I am pleased to open this the 415,225th meeting of the Angelic Council. You all know each other by now, I hope so anyway. We'll proceed straight to business. The first item on the agenda is the Bliss of the Hereafter.  Higher Angel Herzhog, would you care to explain.” 

“Thank you, Angelic Leader. There’s a rising number of Ascendents, the deceased who have risen to the heavenly realm, who have been promised the eternal Bliss of the Hereafter by their churches and pastors.” 

“Sorry, Higher Angel Herzhog,” I said. “What’s the Bliss of the Hereafter?” 

“That’s the problem, Wingless Angel Henderson. There’s no such thing. It’s just vague nice-sounding promise that pastors use to convince their congregations.  Often there is an expectation of donations to church funds in order to achieve the forementioned eternal bliss.” 

“So what’s the problem exactly?” 

“They are. They rise up to heaven, where they expect to be in some sort of elite club, with special privileges, including eternal bliss. And when they don’t get it, they get very shouty.” 

The Angelic Leader interjected.   “The Supreme Being has ordered us to come up with a working bliss that we can offer these. people” 

“A working bliss?”  

“Something we can offer these Ascendants as the promised eternal bliss,” said Higher Angel Herzhog.  

“What about peace and quiet?” said Angel-With-Wings-on-Order Atkinson.  “That’s blissful. Sober contemplation for all eternity.” 

“Traditionally peace and quiet has indeed been the heavenly bliss experienced by many of our populace,” agreed Angel-with-wingless-eminence Fanshaw.  “These are my favourite Ascendants, they never ask for anything. Some shoo you away if you go near. If they were all like that our job would be a damn sight easier.”  

“Unfortunately, this is not the type of bliss these people enjoy,” said Higher Angel Herzhog. “Their idea of bliss is shouting loudly at people about their religious beliefs and how devout they are and frequently getting abusive towards anyone who doesn’t share their views.” 

“Do we even want these shouty types in heaven,” said Higher Angel Herzog.  “They don’t sound very ‘Christian’, whatever happened to turning the other cheek?” 

“Unfortunately, recruitment isn’t going well, numbers have been low for a while, and pretty much the only successful recruitment strategy has been to promise eternal bliss.  If we turned them away, we’d be left without any new Ascendents to serve.” 

“Do we really NEED new immortals to serve?” said Higher Angel Metcalfe. “If they don’t meet the criteria we’d be better off without them. After all, we already have thousands of years of ascendents to look after.  We’re not getting any new angels, do we need all of these shouty, abusive ascendants demanding their own personal eternal bliss?” 

“The Supreme Being likes having followers,” Higher Angel Herzhog explained. “In fact, it’s fair to say, that being worshipped and adored is the only reason He exists.  Without faith he is nothing. If we tried turning his followers away, we’d soon feel the full force of HIS wrath.” 

“What do they enjoy on Earth?” I asked.  

“Ah, good point. Our research shows that what they most enjoy is being told how just and beneficious they are.” 

“Beneficious?” I asked. As a newly-ascended angel myself I lacked the learning of my angelic colleagues. 

“Generous to the cause.” 

“In other words self-centred chumps who think they can buy a place in Heaven,” said Metcalfe. 

“Self-centred chumps who HAVE successfully bought their way to Heaven,” Higher Angel Herzhog corrected him. 

“No. I refuse I’m not spending the rest of my days creeping up to shouty, pushy, obnoxious, abusive chumps who think they’re god’s prized pupil and demand their every whim and fancy is obliged.”  Metcalf was capable of extraordinary displays of anger for an angel of the higher order.  

Arch-Angel Jobs chose that moment to speak.  

“The solution seems obvious to me,” he said. 

“It does?” Higher Angel Herzhog Echoed the surprise we all felt. 

“If I gather correctly, these people are demanding, unchristian, pushy, shouty, obnoxious, they want constant attention and praise, every whim that may pass through their vacuous minds they want answered with an instant miracle, each being such a constant and eternal handful that they will require the attention of a dozen or more angels EACH if they are going to achieve the Bliss of the Hereafter they so desire.” 

“Yes, I think that just about sums up the problem,” agreed Higher Angel Herzhog.  

“Well, what about the new AI angels I’ve just developed.  They can attend to Ascendants on an individual basis, they are powered to perform minor miracles and it will only take a Divine Order from Himself to create enough AI angels for a hundred for each of these annoying new Ascendants.  We will thus be freed up to attend to the nice, traditional Ascendants, which is the reason we all applied to be angels in the first place.” 

“Thank you Archangel Jobs,” said the Angelic Leader.  “That’s yet another problem you’ve solved with your AI angels.  I think we can turn to the next item on the agenda, the new electric harps that we’ve been issued with. Freshman angel Butler, I believe you have strong views on this issue.”