Dizzy Lizzie
By Terrence Oblong
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After losing a drinking game with her posh friends, Dizzy Lizzie has to pay the forfeit of becoming PM of a nation in rapid decline, at the time of multiple crises.
Lizze found herself at Number 10 Downing Street, with her new Spad, Sir Jeffrey Buckland, waiting for her with a handful of official papers.
"Good morning Prime Minister."
"Prime Minister?" said Lizzie, still feeling a bit dizzy.
"You lost the drinking game, remember."
"Gosh, so I'm the most powerful person in the kingdom?," said Lizzie. "I have control of the nukes?"
"Yes, Prime Minister. I will explain the details in due course, but there are a number of other priorities. The NHS is is crisis, we need to find a way to pay for an increase in NHS funding otherwise we're going to have to close half the hospitals."
"Oh that's easy, just close the hospitals."
"If you say so PM. The other issue is the energy crisis, people are facing a 200% increase in their energy bills."
"Can't they just wear jumpers this winter?"
"People do wear jumpers, Prime Minister, I'm afraid the issue is slightly more serious than the fashion sense of the working classes. If we don't take action millions of people will die from cold."
"I see. Millions of poor people."
"Yes, the elderly, disabled, but also low paid workers, nurses, postmen, railway staff."
"Ooh, that's a thought, could I get a photo taken of me driving a choo choo train."
"I can arrange that Prime Minister, but the energy crisis? We need a decision."
"Oh, just let them die. We can dig some mass graves, like they used in the good old days. And can I wear high viz for the choo choo photo? It makes me look important. And a hard hat."
"Very well, I will ask the civil service to prepare the mass graves. And the choo choo photo."
"Now show me the nuclear codes. Can I launch them on France?"
"France is our closest ally, Prime Minister."
"Oh, I know. I just meant in theory."
"In theory, yes. I can show you, you choose the destination for the missiles."
"Set it for Paris. Dreadful, garish city and they all speak French."
"Okay, so this is how you set the target to Paris. Just don't press this button."
"This button?"
"Dont!!! Prime Minister, you've just launched a nuclear strike on France."
"Oops. I can be such a Dizzy Lizzie at times. Right, where this choo choo. I love driving choo choos."
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Comments
'Oh dear!' is this our next
'Oh dear!' is this our next leader? Sounds just a bit frightening! Great satire, it makes me laugh, although I just hope it isn't about to come true?
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""Now show me the nuclear
""Now show me the nuclear codes. Can I launch them on France?"" could hear her saying that. And I loved the bit about wearing a hard hat to drive a train.
Would prefer it, should she win,to have been from losing a drinking competition (she always seems a bit sozzled, the way she says carefully "I'm very clear...." infront of everything)
Politics for Dummies if candidates have slipped from being able to argue a point,
to making a good soundbite,
to winning by photo shoots
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