Meanwhile ...

At the hospital the medical masks and surgical gowns had all run out. The doctor who treated me was forced to improvise. He was wearing a gimp suit and a Mozzer mask. 

At least he said he was a doctor.

Social distancing at the supermarket, I recognised the woman in front of me in the queue as my virginal ex-girlfriend. "Make sure you keep two metres away from me," she used to say to me every night in bed.

Some things never change.

The Prime Minister was heartened by the positive press that greeted his latest bastard child, taking the negative stories about highest death toll in Europe off the headlines. "If only you had 365 mistresses up the duff," said his evil henchman. 

"I've some good news on that front," said the PM. From that moment on the news was only ever good.

With no soap available in the shops, due to panic-buying hoarders, Peter Streeter hadn't washed for over six weeks now. 'Keep at least two metres from me at all times' his odour said.

The bank robbery ended in total confusion. The loot was mistakenly handed to an elderly taxidermist who was wearing his wife's stockings on his head as an impromptu mask.

New social distancing regulations meant that only one robber was allowed in the bank at a time. Foolishly the sent the one without a gun in first. He had to improvise and threatened to cough on the bank clerk.

Because cash is no longer being used due to the virus risk, the robbers had to hand over their bank details and obtain the loot by bank transfer - allowing 24 hours for the loot to clear of course. As a result the police soon tracked them down, though they were able to escape as social distancing measures meant that the police kept two metres away from them at all times.

Only two of the bank robbers could get into the getaway car, because of social distancing regulations. The others had to walk They were soon picked up by the cops, robbing banks wasn't on the list of legitimate reasons for breaking lockdown.