The monster turkey

It was the biggest turkey ever, 84 lbs the shopkeeper said. Dirk’s girlfriend teased him, saying “You’re only 81 lbs yourself, he must have meant ounces.”

But the shopkeeper was right, when the delivery arrived the turkey was nearly as tall as Dirk, and broader. It was also still alive, not dead, plucked and certainly not ready to stuff. It leapt out of its box in furious mood, hungry for Christmas dinner.

Dirk was no match for it. The turkey plucked him, slung him in the oven and cooked him on Gas Mark 5 for 13 and a half hours.