The Sleep Olympics
Sat, 09 Nov 2019
I was asleep when the Sleep Olympics started, meaning I missed out on all the dramatics of the Japanese contestant’s non-regulation pajama bottoms and the Brazilian candidate’s illicit Horlicks test. I slept through the whole of the first round, meaning I finished the day in gold medal position.
I had taken the precaution of doing without solid food two days before the event, and had drunk the bare minimum of liquid, so that I wouldn't need to wake for toilet-related purposes. A colleague dabbed me regularly with a wet cloth to help prevent dehydration. In total I slept for six days, 11 hours and 27 minutes, a new Olympic and Commonwealth record, though still some way short of 'Hibernating Hopkins'' 8 days and 14 hours world record.
While I slept I dreamt.
I dreamt that I lived in a strange world. In this were there were two species, the Nice people and the Despicable people. The Nice people were like you and me,normal people, normal families, they worked hard, played hard and slept hard when they had to. Their lives were good lives, or would have been, but for the Despicable people.
The Despicable people were a tiny minority, but they ruled the lives of the Nice people. They were born and raised to rule and shared every aspect of power between them. They were like slave owners but without the responsibility, unlike slave owners they lost nothing if the Nice people died because of mistreatment, so there was literally no restriction on what they would do to make the Nice people's lives a misery.
They went to despicable schools where they learnt to rule in as despicable manner as possible, and when they grew up they were gifted the most despicable jobs, working for the despicable media, despicable advertising agencies, they became despicable lawyers, despicable civil servants, despicable police officials, but the most despicable of the Despicable people were reserved for the most despicable career of them all, despicable politicians.
The Despicable people controlled everything and used their power to collect despicable taxes, pass despicable laws and start despicable wars and the Nice people were just too nice to stop them, they just couldn't believe that anyone could really be that despicable. Sure they didn't like the despicable taxes, the despicable wars and the despicable laws, but as they were so nice they gave the Despicable people the benefit of the doubt and accepted that the despicable taxes and despicable laws were needed in order to fight the despicable wars.
Very occasionally a Nice person would try to change things, sometimes even a Nice person tried to enter politics, but they had no chance, for the Despicable people controlled every media outlet and they were met with the most venomous bile conceivable and the Nice people, who were too nice to believe that the entire media and political establishment would ever lie to them, despised any Nice person who dared to challenge the way things were.
And so things never changed, the Nice people were ruled by the Despicable people, who made the Nice people's lives as despicable as possible. But then suddenly, one day out of the blue ...
And then suddenly out of the blue I woke, to be greeted by a great cheer. I was the Olympic Champion. After an Olympic length piss I collected my gold medal, followed by a full day of media interviews and congratulatory phone calls.
Late that night I tried to go to sleep, for I longed to revisit the Nice people, to re-enter their world and find out if they ever overcome the Despicable people, to help out maybe, if I could. But it was no use, try as I might I couldn't get to sleep, and without sleep I couldn't dream and without dreams there was no possible way to help. Without dreams the Despicable people would rule forever.