Starship Endeavour and the Gap

Captain's Log: The Starship Endeavour is on a five-year journey to explore new worlds, go where man has never been before, to just bugger off, get out of my hair, I'm sick of you slouching around the house all day (my wife is the Head of Mission Planning at Starfleet Control). Stardate 107339188 (Tuesday) 

Clegg: "Captain, I just had a message from that bint at Stafleet, you know, the that one that keeps telling us what to do."

Capt: "What does she say Clegg?"

Clegg: "Oh, she says she's got a mission for us and I said 'But we're already on a mission like' and she said this is a mission within a mission and that we got to do this without cancelling the other mission. There's no extra money like, I asked her."

Capt: "What's the mission Clegg?"

Clegg: "She says there's a gap in the universe? We've got to go there and find out what it is, and fix it if we can. She's given us coordinates and everything."

Capt: "A gap in the universe? You mean a black hole?

Clegg: "No captain, she was most specific. This is a new phenomenon, note I got that first time, it took her three attempts to say it."

Capt: "Brains, what do you think?"

Brains: "Most strange, captain. The space we're passing through is one vast void, a total vacuum. It makes no sense for there to be a 'gap' in the vaccuum of space."

Capt: "Well an order from Starfleet is an order from Starfleet, Wheels we're changing destination, Clegg has the new coordinates."

Wheels: "But captain, we're in warp drive, we'd have to come out of warp, turn around then go back into warp. It's all quite a palaver."

Capt: "Just make it so, Wheels."

Wheels: "Make it so? what does that even mean. Okay, (over tannoy) Please fasten your safety belts we are coming out of warp drive. (very slight pause) We have now left warp drive. Please unfasten your safety belts. If you feel nausea or any unexplained symptoms please consult a medical expert. If you are pregnant please consult a medical expert. (to the captain) Right, that's the new coordinates set. (over Tannoy) "Would all passengers and crew please fasten their seatbelts, we are about to enter warp drive. If you feel nausea or any other symptoms whilst in warp drive please consult a medical expert. If you are pregnant please consult a medical expert."

Capt: "Do we have to go through this every time we change direction?"

Wheels: "It's Starfleet procedure captain. If it were up to me we'd just slam on the breaks, do a U-ie and whizz off."

Capt: "Brains, I want full analysis of the gap when we reach it. What is it, what differentiates it from the rest of the vast vaccuum of space and how can we fill it?"

Wheels: (over tannoy) "Please fasten your safety belts we are coming out of warp drive. (very slight pause) We have now left warp drive. Please unfasten your safety belts. If you feel nausea or any unexplained symptoms please consult a medical expert. If you are pregnant please consult a medical expert."

Capt: "Brains, can you see the gap?"

Brains: "Indeed I can captain. It is most fascinating. You see there, the vacuum of space, and over there the vacuum of space, and over there the vacuum of space. But if you look there, it's just a gap, nothing at all, not even a vaccum."

Capt: "It's not a black hole?"

Brains: "A black hole has an immense gravitational field, if we were this close to a black hole we'd be being sucked in. No captain, this is a totally new phenomenon, it's a gap, nothing there, like a rip in reality."

Capt: "Can we fix it?"

Brains: "If we teleport a section of the vacuum of space into the gap it might fill the gap with a vacuum."

Capt: "What if it leaves a gap where the vacuum was?"

Brains: "That, captain, would be fascinating. I suggest we carry out my plan and observe the results."

Capt: "Agreed. Teleportation room, do what the man says."

Brains: "Captain, I must protest."

Capt: "Sorry Brains. Teleportation Room, do what the pointy-eared alien says. (to Brains) Well?"

Brains: "Nothing captain. The vaccuum has just been consumed by the gap. Nothing has changed."

Capt: "What's plan B Brains?"

Brains: "We teleport solid matter into the gap. We have inevitably built up a store of rubbish during our voyage, I suggest we use that."

Capt: "Agreed, but not the recycling pile. Engine Room, do what the pointy-eared alien says. (to Brains) Well?"

Brains: "Nothin captain. The rubbish has been consumed by the gap. Nothing has changed."

At this point Fat Larry entered the Bridge eating a Snackysnack bar.

Brains: "Captain, I must protest, there is an infringement of Starfleet Command Number 1437."

Capt: "Explain?"

Brains: "Someone is eating on the Bridge, Captain."

Fat Larry: "But Captain, it's a Snackysnacks bar, it's the perfect snack, as it's guaranteed to fill any gap."

Capt: "How many of these bars do you have?"

Fat Larry: "Enough for a five year mission."

Capt: "Teleport Room, I want you to teleport all of Fat Larry's Snackysnacks bars into the gap. (slight pause) Well Brains?"

Brains: "It's worked captain, the gap has been filled. It really is quite remarkable, there's no logical explanation."

Capt: "Don't overthink things Brains. You just have to accept, that Snacksnacks are the only bar that can fill absolutely any gap."

This episode of Starship Endeavour was brought to you by Snacksnacks bars, the snack that fills any gap.