A stick in four fetches


By Terrence Oblong
- 979 reads
Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof,, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof. Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof,, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof. Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof,, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.
I am unable to write in English, I’m afraid, or indeed any human language, so I tell this story in the hope that it will be translated at some point. If not, it will just appear as a long stream of ‘woofs’.
I understand a few of master’s words: gooddog, fetchstick, wherestick, dindins, baddog, runnerwantwalkies, but for the most part what he says out loud is just meaningless nonsense.
Master brings the stick with him on walks theses days, so I know in advance that we’re going to play fetch.
“Hereboyfetch,” he said, hurling the stick across the field. I charged off, it’s important to return the stick quickly, as humans are very easily distracted.
I picked the stick up, turned and hurried back. The advantage of re-using the same stick is that you know immediately how to hold it for the correct balance as you run.
Master had progressed just a few steps, and I dropped the stick at his feet. A classic ‘fetch’.
We walked on a few paces and master feigned throwing the stick in one direction before releasing it at second attempt. Master always does this, humans are very predictable like that, it’s very sweet really. They’re a silly species.
The second throw was a long one. Master secretly ‘worksout’ in his ‘homegym’, especially to build up his stick-throwing muscles. He has no idea that I know.
By the time I’d fetched the stick and returned, master had stopped walking and was talking to Polish, a fragile little chihuahua, and her mistress.
I mentioned before master’s tendency to get distracted, and this was a good example. He was initially oblivious of my return and was busy talking to the lady.
“Yak, yak, yak, yak” he was saying, “Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak,” (at least that’s what it sounded like. Bar a few key phrases I don’t speak human, indeed I find the language very strange indeed).
Lady giggled at whatever he’d said, and it was only then that he finally noticed me.
“Goodboy,” he said, pointing at Polish, “Polish,” as if I were some sort of idiot dog, incapable of spotting the dog in front of my nose if it wasn’t pointed out to me.
“Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak,” the lady said to master. Then to me she said; “Gooddog,” She reached inside her pocket and took out a chocolate treat. I like lady. She always carries a treat with her, as if she’s expecting to bump into me.
“Whatdoyousay,” she said, hiding the chocolate until I answered.
“Woof,” I said, or at least that’s what she heard, in actual fact I said “Bottom,” though lady had no idea, she just laughed, said “gooddog”, and gave me the treat.
“Yak, yak, yak,” master said and lady giggled again.
I looked up at master expectantly, but he acted as if I wasn’t there, as if he’d completely forgotten that we’d gone walkies, as he just stood there talking, going nowhere, not so much as a chocolate treat for me.
“Yak, yak, yak, yak,” human conversation is very boring I find, though lady seemed happy enough. As for Polish, she just stook there, in her thick fleece, gazing up at lady obediently.
Master feigned throwing the stick for Polish, but this was just a joke for my benefit, and for the lady who gave a little giggle. Polish is not the stick-fetching sort of dog. She is short, frumpy and inactive. In many ways Polish and lady are the reverse of myself and master, Polish is content to waddle slowly along through life, while it is lady who ventures from the path, chasing this whim and that whim, all friendship and giggles when she sees master.
Eventually master stopped pretending to throw for Polish and finally paid attention to me.
“Fetchboy, fetchstick,” he said.
The third throw was not as impressive, barely reaching half as far as the previous throw, as if master was so distracted by lady and Polish that he didn’t attend to his throwing action. And yet by the time I’d returned with the stick, lady and master had been joined by the old woman. The old woman is very strange, in that she always goes for walks without a dog. She always talks to master but rarely attends to me.
By the time I’d returned, she was busy yak, yak, yaking sternly at master and lady.
I dropped the stick and waited, but master wasn’t looking. “Yak, yak, yak, yak,” he said to the old woman, “Yak, yak, yak.”
“Yak, yak, yak,” said lady, though she was no longer giggling, in fact she seemed angry, as if someone had been a baddog, though I assure you it wasn’t me.
“Yak, yak, yak,” snapped the old woman.
“Yak, yak, yak,” said lady, angrily. She picked up Polish and stomped away – it’s very difficult to stomp away when walking with a slow little dog like Polish, whose little legs don’t go up to stomping speed.
“Yak, yak, yak, yak,” said master.
“Youbaddog,” said the old woman. She said it to master, not me, which was very strange. They yapped and yakked at each other a little longer, before the old woman finally walked away.
Master stood there doing nothing for a while. I looked up patiently. Eventually I picked up the stick again and he finally noticed.
“Youreadyforfetchboy”, he said. Of course I was.
He threw the stick high into the air and I sped off after it. Fetch was back, all was well with the world. “Woof”, I said as I sped off.
- Log in to post comments
Comments
This was such a fun write to
This was such a fun write to read. Some of it so reminded me of the dogwalkers I see when out walking. I loved the idea of hearing about the walk from the dog's perspective too, it kind of sums up their world completely.
Do you watch dogs behaving badly? I just love that programme.
Jenny.
- Log in to post comments
Love it. Especially the yak,
Love it. Especially the yak, yak, yakking. Really amused me. It's our Pick of the Day. Do share on Facebook and Twitter. (The painting is from here: https://commons.m.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Jacques-Laurent_Agasse_-_A_bla...)
- Log in to post comments
Really enjoyed this Terrence
Really enjoyed this Terrence - and I'm glad to see you've been posting more recently. Congratulations on the golden cherries
- Log in to post comments
Greatly enjoyed this. There
Greatly enjoyed this. There was I thinking that dogs had more sympathy for us than cats, who obviously think we're all idiots. Ah well. Another misconception shattered.
- Log in to post comments
That's very clever and makes
That's very clever and makes a very fun read. Congratulations for writing it!
- Log in to post comments