Ode to an Age Old Struggle.

By keleph

Sat, 05 Apr 2008

1720 reads

6 comments

Our love soars above, Galileo and God
Hair that shines is finer, than string sparsed with quark
Luscious lips a deep red, bland photons lie flatter
Eyes cobalt blue can see, a bluer nuclear rod
Bedsheets lovingly sprawled, sheets of the worlds true arc
Platonic love and pure, trancending dark matter
unfathomable; unfathomable
Bodies basking as one, parallel dimension
Romance forever swirls, a spiral galaxy
Cupid shoots to the heart, plasma without pathos
The Garden of Eden, without God's suspension
Visceral pink of flesh, a universe off key
Beauty shall save the world, order brought to chaos
Unimaginable. Unimaginable.

Comments

I really like this. I loved

Permalink Submitted by onemorething on Sat, 2008-04-05 19:32

I really like this. I loved the last four lines especially. Wasn't sure about the word romance, but I know you won't like me saying that so ignore me, but anyway other than that one word...it's very good.

Thanks Doeslittle, i'd be a

Permalink Submitted by keleph on Sat, 2008-04-05 20:01

Thanks Doeslittle, i'd be a fool to ignore criticism, please keep it up! do you think romance was'nt in keeping with the theme or style? or is it just awkward syntax? i'll look at it more, but its very difficult to change anything having syllable and rhyme requirements (which i found difficult to work in for the first time. i dont know if il return to this style) thanks again.

keleph

I meant it just stuck out

Permalink Submitted by onemorething on Sat, 2008-04-05 22:48

I meant it just stuck out like a sore thumb as a word that I stumbled over in that line, 'romance forever swirls' -I just didn't like it, it didn't work for me. Never mind syntax and all that jazz - I'm no technician. However, it could just be me...others may get the line.

I really liked this keleph.

Permalink Submitted by BeamsAndVoids on Sun, 2008-04-06 00:29

I really liked this keleph. Your first poem done in a structured, specific form and style; and it works very well. I loved the themes of love, science and religion interlacing all the way through. It's weaving and thoughtful and creates a brilliant ethos to it all. Well done. :)

thanks Law! glad you liked

Permalink Submitted by keleph on Sun, 2008-04-06 00:45

thanks Law! glad you liked it. maybe i will do another sonnet... its quite hard and at times i yearned to return to a simpler style, but i hope the result was worth it. thanks again!

keleph

Powerful phrases and a keen

Permalink Submitted by Richard L. Prov... on Tue, 2009-06-30 03:45

Powerful phrases and a keen description of what lays around us like a cobweb of imagination. Especially liked the line: "Visceral pink of flesh, a universe off key."

Richard L. Provencher