Today is now

I wish I could laugh at it.
it is a bit too serious yet.
When I look at it
it is turmoil, chaos and neglect.
Neglect of myself,
always putting someone else in front.
It was always someone
and not something.
Although at times it turned
into something for someone.
It is so serious because there
is silence
and withdrawal
from scenes of cathartic self indulgence
to those of manic depression.
The past is what it is
and it still haunts me.
It wasn’t humane
for any of us;
the family, friends and
Children.
Least of all me.
An animal would have
managed better
than I,
lost, depraving myself, denying,
being denied
the love and care I really needed,
thus denying, subconsciously,
all close to
my forgotten love.
Repressed , unrecognisable
in co-dependency.
Not a kiss nor a hug for
the whole of my life.
My Mother’s wafer thin kisses
on the cheek and my Father’s
bear hugs
were almost sufficient.
Whatever was rummaging inside
was not enough to
keep me sane.
But now!
I can shrug my shoulders a bit
and say
“That was my past!”
Today is now and forever.