Knock Knock - part 2

 

 

 

…so in summary, you don’t need copper pipe anymore, but if you still trust its durability over more modern alternatives, that’s how you bend it!  Easy-peasy, when you’ve got the knowhow from ‘Archie’s Handy’ youtube channel – all the plumbing information you’ll need at the press of a button.

 

Here’s my plumbing joke of the day – don’t say I don’t try to keep my viewers happy!

 

A father was showing a new work colleague a photo of his three sons and the work colleague asked him what his sons did as jobs.  The father answered, “My youngest is a doctor and my middle one is a lawyer.”

 

“What does the eldest one do?” the work colleague asked.  The father replied, “He’s the plumber who put them through university.”

 

Tune in next week when I’ll be talking you through how to unblock a toilet.

                                                                                     

                                                                                     *

“Better.  A bit better, at least”, Bernice said as she switched off the computer screen and took a sip of her cooling coffee.

“I do think, though, you’re not connecting with your viewers quite as you might do.  Do you honestly think they’re watching for the plumbing tips?”

 

Archie stood up and looked at Bernice with the inscrutable expression he’d perfected over the years when he had no choice but to look at her.  “Yes, Bernice, if you want my honest opinion, I do think every last one of my twenty thee viewers is tuning in for the plumbing tips!”

“Twenty four, actually.”

 

“What?”

 

“You have twenty four viewers… maybe more, when I last looked.”  Archie rolled his eyes, but Bernice was not to be deterred. “And what you need to do is read some of the comments you’re getting.  I’ll summarise, shall I? And I quote - As dull as ditch water.  Is this guy for real?  Fix the flush? I’d rather stick my head down the toilet.

 

The words hung in the air and Bernice let them as she wasn’t convinced Archie was concentrating on what she was saying.  She was right, of course (she usually was); as along with his inscrutable expression, Archie’s other defence over the years against the onslaught of Bernice’s expectations and consequent disappointment at him, was his uncanny ability to do his own thing whilst cocking his head on one side in the guise of appearing an attentive listener.

 

Archie’s ‘own thing’ at this moment was pairing up his vast array of work gloves.  As he rolled together the grey, rubber ones (his personal favourites – vitally necessary for sticking your hand round a U-bend), he zoned back in on Bernice’s voice.  “It’s all about building the brand, Archie.  Gain the viewers and build the brand.”
                                                                                      *

 

Morning Wood (though it’s Evening Wood to be precise)!

 

Hope all’s rocking in Basingstoke.  Today has gone well, very well, if I do say so myself.
As you know, today was the first woodchop event – Standing Block.  Let me paint you a picture…

 

We come into the arena like heroes; gods even.  The music is pounding – Livin’ on a Prayer, The Final Countdown.  A sprinkle of Eye of the Tiger – you get the vibe.  We are real men with real choppers.

 

We line up next to our wood blocks and we wait for the instruction from on high. There is silence for a minute and then the words ring out – “Stand to your timber!”  We rise to the challenge and we chop like there’s no tomorrow. 

 

One side and then the other, chop one, chop two and so forth, until one of us gladiators breaks their block in half.  Man pitched against wood – fucking (sorry mum!) poetry in motion.

 

Anyway, I came nine out of ten, which isn’t bad considering.

 

Hans and Udi (big lads from the Black Forest) have asked me out tonight for some sausage and beer in one of Stuttgart’s bars, but you’ll be surprised and pleased to know I’ve turned down the invite.  As you know, tomorrow is the Underhand Cutting event and I fancy my chances, so it’s an early night for me.

 

Laters homies, Pauly xx
                                                                                       *

 

 

 

… don’t forget to make sure your plunger is high quality, preferably one with a foldout, rubber flange, which forms a tight seal around the bowl.  Once you’re confident your seal is tight, simply pump and flush, pump and flush.  Slowly, but sharply and as many times as necessary.

I’ve never known this method not work.  Trust me – your toilet will be unclogged!

 

And so to Archie’s plumbing joke of the day and one that’s a personal favourite of mine.

 

A dog goes into a plumbers’ merchants and says he’d like a job.  The owner says, “we don’t hire dogs.  Why don’t you go and join the circus?”

 

The dog looks irritated and replies, “what would the circus want with a plumber?”
                                                                                     

                                                                                    *
Bernice folded the towel she’d been sitting on and put it back on the towel rail.  “I don’t want to be offensive, but your face always looks big on screen.  I don’t know – a bit full moon, a bit large, jacket potato.  I wonder if it’s putting people off?

 

“I’m not definitely saying that’s the reason, but we’ve lost a couple of viewers this week and we can’t be having that.  No, we need to think hard, think smart.

 

“I know - what about blinging up your appearance?  Maybe providing a bit of eye candy for the viewing audience?  I was watching that channel, Pete’s Plumbing – not for any reason, other than to check out the competition, you understand – and he’s a lovely looking boy.  It must count for something as well, as he’s got fourteen thousand views on his fixing a kitchen waste video, part 2.  Fourteen thousand views!

 

“Anyway, you could consider some dungarees maybe?  Bit risqué, I know, but even wearing them without a top underneath?  Side boob is very in at the moment.  What do you reckon?”

 

The noise that came out of Archie’s mouth was redolent of the sound a reanimated corpse may make if it found itself awake under the lid of an unopened coffin.  A dry, scraping, hollow wheeze.

 

“Yes, why not?” he said.  “And while we’re at it, why not go the whole hog and get some trousers with no seat in them, so the ladies (and men if needs be – I’m not choosy) can get a load of my big, hairy arse?”
                                                                                      *

 

Morning Wood (it’s an oldie, but a goldie)!

 

All hail woodchop event, numero deux – Underhand Cutting.  There’s a grace to this one as we balance on our stumps, gazing down at the wood we are about to chop with a downwards motion from between our feet.

 

As you can imagine, there’s real danger too – our standing post is what we need to destroy!  It’s the stuff of epics – sweating men with the sharpest of axes.  The possibility of great success or failure so closely linked, it almost makes me weep.

 

Anyway, I can safely say, all limbs and extremities are intacto and that after the leaf blowers had cleared the sawdust off the stage, I looked at the scoreboard to see I’m still in ninth place.

 

I’ll catch up tomorrow, hope you’re Flooded (see what I did there?) with work and you do know you can always reply to my emails, don’t you?  Pauly xx
                                                                                     *

 

https://www.abctales.com/story/noo/knock-knock-part-3