J. C. Jones II The Podcast

 

Good morning, J. C.,” said Marty. “I’d like to introduce you to a potential podcast sponsor. This is Max Shilling, president of Max’s Worldwide Novelties. He’s here to pitch a couple of ideas.”

Max Schilling slithered off the seat and managed to gather enough spine to stand up straight.

“Just a few words, Mr. Jones” said Max.

“What is it?”

“What would you say if I were to get you a spot as honorary referee at a Madison Square Garden wrestling match next month?”

“Keep talking.”

“And what would you further say to a product idea that’s sure to win the hearts and minds of a roaring crowd?”

“I’m not hating it. Continue.”

“Hang on to your crown for this one,” said Max. “Instead of the usual sports merchandise sold at these events, we go with—this is gonna knock you right out of your sandals—an inflatable crown of thorns! We hawk ‘em to the fans as they enter the Garden. Can you see it? 18,000 thorny crowns rooting for their favorite WWE stars. It’s sure to be a real crowd pleaser.”

“You’re lucky the old man hasn’t been paying attention, or He’d smite you a wicked blow. So, no; the crown remains with me. It’s a burden, but I wear it well. Anything else before I show you the door?”

“Just one more, Mr. Jones. Before the first bout, how about you read something from the center ring?”

“Okay. What might that be?”

“It’s an idea I’ve been kicking around with a writer buddy of mine. We call it—get ready for it— the Sermon on the Mat. We’re gonna blow the cobwebs off that old chestnut of yours and punch it up a bit. Make it more reasonable for the average citizen. Then we hit them at the exits; five bucks a pop for the paperback edition. What say ye, Mr. Jones? Mr. Jones? J. C.? Where’d ya go? How’d he disappear like that?”

“He does that when he’s bored,” said Marty. “Besides, he’s getting ready to record his first podcast. Sorry it didn’t work out. And thanks for coming.”

***

Happy Sunday, world. My name is J. C. Jones, and this is my first podcast. Many of you know me as Jesus.And far too many know me as Jesus expletive-of-your-choice Christ. But love me or hate me, you can’t get enough of me. You wear me around your neck; swear oaths on me; come all weepy eyed to church on Sunday; tell me you’re only human, then cleanse yourself with three Our Fathers and two Hail Mary’s. Wash, rinse, repeat. And you wonder why I go on hiatus forever and a day.

Well, I’m back, kids. You all know me from the stories of Christmas and Easter. Life and death and back again. I have to say, you do have a way with the holidays. You’d hardly suspect I was there at all. Makes me chuckle at the absurdity. Though, I will admit to a strong attraction to marshmallow Peeps and egg nog.. (I was going to say addiction, but not a good look on one’s resume.) Makes me forget all my suffering—not! What Marty? My producer tells me you don’t do the ‘not’ thing anymore. It’s been a while, folks. I’ll catch on. Meanwhile, on with the show.

My first guest today is the Big Guy Himself. It took a little convincing. He’s a shy one and doesn’t make the scene too often. And please don’t come rushing to the studio for a photo op. He's here in voice only. He doesn't like to show his face. Also, He’s running a bit late. 

Oops. I take that back. He’s here. And, ah geez Louise, no! He’s brought in the fiery bush! Put that damn thing out, Dad! You’re going to set off the sprinklers! Oh, just perfect!

Why must everything you touch turn into a Cecil B. DeMille production? All I wanted was a little chat. I even ordered in your favorite sponge cake. Now it’s mush, and I’m sopping wet! And here comes the fire department. Sorry, fellas. Not my fault. It was Him, not me. What do you mean Him who? The Omnipresent one. Can’t you feel that aura? He owns it! Show ‘em Dad. Dad? Dad? Typical Dad move! I get in a fix and He abandons me! Again!

Marty, cue up some Aretha on the turntable while I clean up this mess. And to you folks listening? I beg your forgiveness and hope you tune in again tomorrow. 

 

Photo courtesy of Wiki Commons:

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Moses_and_the_burning_Bush.jpg