Admissions Impossible

 

Admissions Impossible

 

I’ve only got one bucket

So I can’t make a bucket list

I could never fire a bullet

You see I'm a pacifist

I'm too old to play for Ireland

My chance of stardom sadly missed

I could never talk to Kirsty Young

Without asking to be kissed

Can’t say I'll pray to Jesus

Even if the Pope insists

Try to make me eat McDonald's

And I'll fervently resist

 

Don't send me Alpine skiing

I detest Spandex and snow

If I were asked to move to Watford

The answer's definitely no

I'd rather sell a kidney

Than watch Jeremy Clarkson’s show

I've never dressed as Santa

Can't bear his yo ho ho

I’m repulsed by mucky teacups

Cracked and chipped like Auntie Flo's

I could never sample cocaine

That stuff gets right up my nose

 

I couldn't be a city gent

Don't suit a bowler hat

I could never cruise around the world

Because who would feed the cat?

There's no way I'd vote for Farage

He's a sickly racist twat

I couldn't live in Belgium

I like mountains and it's flat

News from Gaza does my head in

Bring back Yasser Arafat

I get bored listening to Abba

Simply Red, Sting and Take That

 

Those films of Harry Potter's

I've seen but cannot stand

Just like Brussels sprouts and selfies

And the Billy Cotton Band

To get me to turn to Mecca

You'd have to give me twenty grand

Or my body weight in Crunchies

And a week at Camber Sands

These things are things I cannot do

No matter how well planned

I find them quite impossible

I hope you'll understand

 

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Image:

My bucket list in its embryonic stage of development. It’s my own photograph of my own bucket, by the way.