Letter from Frankincense & Myrrh, Solicitors

Dear Sir,

Prospective Agreement between S. Claus Esq. and "Tommy, Class 3, Reed Avenue County Primary"

Our client, Mr S. Claus is in receipt of your letter of December 9 listing the items you have asked him to supply. Mr Claus has asked us to thank you for your interest in his service and will revert at the earliest opportunity. Meanwhile we wish to make you aware of the following:

1. With regard to Item 1, viz. a Fuze Cyclone Water Blaster, our client is not licenced to supply firearms. Your request for this item has been notified to the authorities as required by Section 7 of the Prevention on Terrorism Act, 2013.
2. You request a Rayvore Quadcopter (Item 3). We have advised our client that he would be unable to supply any item which did not comply with the provisions of European Union's Drone Licensing Directive. (Your request for this item has also been notified to the authorities.)
3. Before our client can supply you with Item 5, Bear with Growl, we need ensure that you have taken full cognisance of DEFRA's Welfare of Wild Animal Regulations 2012, a copy of which is enclosed for your guidance.

Notwithstanding the supply of any items from your list, we require the following information from you by way of due diligence on behalf of our client:

1. Please identify the person responsible for Health and Safety matters at the address to which the aforementioned items are to be delivered (hereinafter referred to as "the Premises").
2. Please provide a plan of the Premises showing the following clearly marked:

• the location and extent of the designated sleigh landing and take-off area;
• a point of access and egress large enough to accommodate one adult male with a girth of 56in (142 cm) together with one sack containing the items requested;
• the internal location to which these items are to be delivered.

(We wish to point out that we are in possession of the drawing you supplied our client, which we opine is extremely fanciful bearing only the most superficial resemblance. We mention this to ensure that the aforementioned plans will be submitted to a very much higher standard of draughtsmanship.)

3. Please confirm that the landing and take-off area is of sufficient extent to accommodate one sleigh (approximately four metres long) and six adult reindeer of the sub-species boreal woodland caribou. Please also confirm that this area will be free of all obstructions and obstacles. In this connection you should note that the older type of television aerial is no longer an acceptable roof-borne obstruction under the Civil Aviation Authority's revised sleigh-code 2014. (Please refer to Icelandair - v - S. Claus, ECJ, 9 Dec, 2011).

4. We would be grateful if you would identify the make and model of fire or heating apparatus installed under your in-building fume passage otherwise known as a chimney and confirm that your heating appliance will not be lit between 19.00 on 24th December and 05.00 on 25th December. Your chimney needs to have been cleaned no more than three days previously by a HETAS certified operative. We draw your attention to your liability for personal injury to our client and/or damage to beard and/or costume.
5. Notwithstanding that our client does not accept any liability for use of the items requested he is required under the provisions of the Consumer Protection Regulations 2003 to ensure that his customers meet the age criteria specified in respect of items supplied. To this end, please provide a certified copy of your birth certificate.
6. Please also provide a copy of the following documents:

• your current fire safety certificate for the Premises;
• your public liability insurance policy;
• a surveyor's report confirming that the roof landing zone is capable of bearing the gross weight of the delivery vehicle (2.75 tonnes, to include driver and reindeer).

7. Please complete a risk assessment for the Premises, and confirm that the relevant under-chimney landing area will be free from hazards including, but not limited to, caustic and/or toxic chemicals; explosive and/or inflammatory materials; and loose and/or wheeled toys.
8. Please provide details of any relevant medical conditions suffered by yourself. It is particularly important that you advise us in advance regarding any known allergy to reindeer, elves and false beard fluff. Failure to notify us of any such predispositions will negate any potential claim against our client for injury and distress, howsoever caused.

In closing, we would like to point out that should you wish to leave any food items for our client's consumption, please clearly label them as such and ensure that your provisioner has taken due note of the fact that our client suffers from nut allergies, is gluten intolerant and under no circumstances will operate his sleigh while under the influence of alcohol.

You will appreciate that our client's ability to effect safe and timely delivery of requested items depends on satisfactory answers to the foregoing questions, and we therefore look forward to receiving your full response by return.

Sincerely,