Extract from my new book - Family Man

Aldo and Jennifer (Aldo's stepdaughter) drop by to visit Mrs Henderson (Aldo's old neighbour). The visit takes an unexpected turn when Mrs Henderson reveals what's been happening in the local area.

 

So, Mrs Henderson,’ ah say. ‘How’s life in the area been lately?’

 

She takes another taste ae her tea, then pits the cup doon. ‘The hale place hus went doon hill recently, son. Aw these streets are overrun wae these young idiots. It’s no like in ma day. They hae nae respect fur their elders. Remember ma friend, Mary Palmer?’

 

‘Aye, ah hink so. She talks wae a stutter?’

 

‘Aye, that’s Mary, son. Well, the other week some young punk tried tae snatch her handbag when she wis leavin the post office.’

 

Jen, openly deeply concerned, reaches over tae touch her airm, her eyes widenin. ‘Oh ma God,’ she declares. ‘That’s terrible. Is she okay?’

 

Takin another inflated gulp fae her cuppa she pits Jen’s mind at ease,

 

‘Mary’s perfectly fine, hen. Apparently, the mugger is bein broat oot ae his coma any day now. So, it’s a positive ootcome fur aw concerned.’

 

Me and the youngster stare each other oot, totally knoacked fur six. Fur some reason ah feel as if ah’ve pit two and two taegether and came up wae five.

 

‘Wait a sec,’ ah say, hinkin oot loud. ‘How did the mugger end up in a coma? Did he trip tryin tae run awey?’

 

She shakes her dusty heid. ‘Nuttin like that, son. Ah’ve been teachin an over-seventies self-defence cless fur the past six months. Honestly, we dinnae walk the streets lookin fur trouble. But if some junkie fancies causin us herm. Then lits jist say we’re maire than happy tae be their huckleberry.’

 

Massel and the daughter sit back in our seats, braindeid. Jennifer takes the reins, practically boonces forward.

 

‘Elizabeth, did ah hear you right? You teach a self-defence class?’

 

‘That’s correct, sweethert,’ she confesses smilingly approvingly. ‘Every Wednesday at St Mary’s Church between eleven and twelve.’

 

‘What exactly happens at this cless?’ the kiddo asks baffled.

 

‘Be a doll and fetch ma handbag, hen,’ Mrs H instructs her.

 

‘Your handbag?’ Jen reiterates back.

 

‘Yes love. It’s under the table in the hallwey,’ she confesses. ‘It’ll jist be easier tae show yaise some ae the defence techniques that ah teach.’

 

‘Yeah, no problem’

 

Ma wee girl performs a vanishin act but is quick tae return and plumps the bag upon the table. Mrs H rummages aboot inside rootin oot everyhing fae her buss pass tae her mingin dentures. Ah’ll admit ah hink she’s preparin tae bore us tae tears by playin a YouTube video oan her phone. Nae doot it’ll be some geriatric Mr Miyagi teachin these auld timers the best wey tae gum any potential attackers. Soon, this becomes wishful hinkin when she brandishes a chunky taser.

 

The pensioner gloats as she gently squeezes the trigger wae the electricity flickerin.

 

‘What the hell is that!?’ ah crack, indicatin tae her ‘Equaliser’.

 

‘Listen, son,’ she spiels, tryin tae underplay the situation. ‘It’s jist a deterrent, that’s aw it is.’

 

‘Aye, and that’s what the Yanks telt the Japs aboot the atomic bomb. Before they droapped two oan the perr bastards,’ ah tell her, almost leapfroggin fae ma seat.

 

‘Dinnae look sae worried, Aldo,’ she says, pourin herself a refill. ‘Yae wid be amazed what yae kin pick up oan the dark web.’

 

Too much info tae process in the space ae a few minutes, ma heids fuckin spinnin. ‘Tasers? The dark web? How dae yae even ken aboot these hings? You could git loacked up

fur that?’

 

‘Ah’m an auld wumen, dear,’ she tells me. ‘The polis cannae even be bothered chasin actual criminals. Never mind the local pension militia. You wid be surprised at what yae kin learn fae watchin these reality shows. Dinnae worry, though. Ah’m no an idiot. Ah placed the order through the computers at the local library. Each purchase is totally untraceable.’

 

Jen comes through her shellshock, glancin between me and the Punisher, ‘Da,’ she utters. ‘Is there nuttin yae kin dae tae protect thum?’

 

‘Ah’m no bein funny, darlin. But it soonds like these young yins hae everyhing that’s comin tae thum.’

 

‘Ah’m talkin aboot protectin Elizabeth and her friends,’ she instinctively rumbles back.

 

‘Oh, aye, ah defo kent