Homeless part 4 Epilogue

Would I betray someone’s trust? Not me! I like to boast about not doing that. But when you are homeless you’ve got to be on your toes because a lot of people abuse each other.

I am not prejudice, far from. You just have to protect yourself and your possessions otherwise you are left with nothing. It’s rough and tough out there. If I had been a tiny bit more naïve than I was I wouldn’t have had a stitch more to wear. Money was nothing we had , more than a few coins for a cup of coffee or a beer or cigarettes- sometimes I had neither and went for days without. I.e you could always get a cup of coffee for free along the line but wandering around the streets with nothing to your name was a dubious pleasure.

Nevertheless one day I had enough money to do my washing at the coin Laundromat. I put on my poncho as a skirt and shoved my clothes into the washing machine. I went for a walk in the meanwhile and stopped at a second hand bookstore and decided to go in and have a look. I loved books, especially if I could find a sample of one of the books I had read when I was younger, those I had lent at the library and really liked. I ended up buying and reading, for the second time, Hamsun’s ‘Hunger’ . Very appropriate. Well it was because I didn’t always go for the free meals and would miss out as I didn’t like to tax on the hospitality of the shelters. I know it was stupid of me but that is how I felt. I also didn’t care to be with too many people all the time. I preferred to go my own way and be alone in my deprivation. I wasn’t ashamed. No. I did learn a lot about missing out though. I could be impressed by wealth and sometimes I caught myself looking at a ”normal” couple walking arm in arm with a little bit of envy. I used to imagine a lot of things about the people I saw on the streets. I could make up stories about them.

I was stressed out. I think that is quite usual when living this way.

I walked back to the Laundromat with my prize under my arm. It’s every little thing that counts. I dried my clothes and put on my jeans again. I met a young woman there who told me of a place to ask for a room to rent. She was very kind and as we both were finished with our washing she showed me to the building where I made an appointment with the landlord for the same afternoon.

When I arrived at my appointment the little man was sitting behind a huge desk and he told me that he had no vacancies at the moment which was very disheartening and I was sure that he did not like me. That was a feeling I had a lot of the time- that people were judging me- but that was because it was so difficult to rent a room in downtown Copenhagen , unless you had a lot of money. I wasn’t even sure whether I would receive my benefit next month as I had no fixed address.

I stayed at the Maria Home for a while and frequented The Nest shelter for warmth and a free meal once in a while and it was nice to see the familiar faces as well. Meantime I had applied for a Housing Association Housing flat north of the city. My mother had left me a bit of money so I could pay the deposit and finally I was offered a flat where I now live. My sisters decided that I have all my Mother’s furniture and kitchenware. So I set up house and got a home to call my own. I’ve never felt more settled down than now. I did for a very short period live in the south of the country but that didn’t work out at all so with the inheritance I could move up north to nearby my son. I will never regret it and I certainly am not thinking of leaving home and becoming homeless again.

Everything is mine here- the sounds on the street below, the children’s laughter, the workers, the dogs barking, the wind in the trees, the silent moonlit nights and the sunny days. I can prepare a meal in my kitchen, I can sit in my rocking chair in my living room and I can sip wine on the balcony. I feel like a queen. Not of the streets anymore. I’m not stressed out anymore. I am calm and in balance and living in harmony with my surroundings. It’s not a bad feeling at all. I feel really lucky. I think I have come far and I’m not really going anywhere anymore. The great struggle is over and done with. I am happy in a sensible kind of way. No more psychoses. I seem to be on top of things now. I am praying that it will last for a really long time. I do my bit to keep it going that way.