Goatie 23

Being in prison was like dossing under a motorway bridge. Constant noise and always something going on. Shaking you up. Droopy Eyes talking about visiting hours, had given me a thirst for home. Domesticity even, I thought about phoning the ex-wife. She’s hang up when she found out it was me, but at least her lips would be on the phone. Kissing her had been like a wet hug. As kids we’d rolled about kissing for hours, until our lips chaffed and burned. You could have blindfolded me and got me to kiss all the girls in school and I’d have been able to pick her out. We were young and daft. Too young.

I finally fell asleep in the early hours, thinking about her.  Goatie plonked on my chest came awake. He twisted it about. The lady goat had the face of a Madonna, but she had pink shiny lips. Bubblicious.

When I woke up a freckled face was sitting in the other bed watching me. He disguised his baldness by having a bold red beard thatched to his chin. He kept fidgeting and touching it to check it was still there. ‘Whit yeh in for?’ he asked.

It was the kind of shorthand we used before we found out each other’s names. I told him but Archie seemed unimpressed.

‘Whit yeh in for?’

He did the shoulder roll, which mean it wasn’t going to a one word answer like arson, or burglary or murder.

His freckles joined together in a beaming face. ‘Yeh, know how yeh go far a drink, an the first wan doesnae come close, doesnae touch the sides?’

‘Aye,’ I admitted.

‘The second pint is nae better. Jist a taster.’

I could see where this was going. ‘Eh, aye.’

‘Then somehow yeh think yer Liam somethin. An the front man for Oasis. Jist as the last bells been rung. The Karoke guy is stackin up his equipment and willnae listen tae reason.’ He growled and his face slackened. ‘Then yeh end up in a cell. An yeh’ve got tae be somewhere but yeh cannae mind whit. The worst hing is yer best jacket fae Slaters is missing a sleeve and shredded. An yeh wonder if they’ll be able to fix it?’

He glanced at the locked door as if expecting tailors to rush in with pins and bolts of material.

I laughed, he’d cheered me up. ‘But yeh’ve no said, whit yer in for?’

‘Oh, fuck all,’ he replied. ‘Bit of a misunderstanding. That’s aw. I’ll be oot in jig time. The problem was I should have stuck tae vodka.’ He sucked in his lips and shook his head. ‘Brandy doesnae agree wae me.’

‘Doesnae agree was me either,’ I told him.

‘Yeh, know whit annoys me?’

‘Mair than Karoke?’

‘Aye mair than Karoke, yeh know these daft cunts that talk to their dogs as if they’re human? As if they’re their wains?’

‘I never had a dog. We never had pets no even a goldfish.’

He smacked his lips together. ‘Best way, I’m tellin yeh. My bird. Love of my life. Did I tell yeh I was an alcoholic?’ He shrugged. ‘Well, anyway, My bird. She was too good for me. I say that fae the bottom o my heart. She’s got everythin. Yeh know. Everythin. She likes a wee drink tae. An she dabbled in o’er stuff. But nothin serious. Na, nothin.’

He sneered. ‘She’d this wee dog. An evil wee fucker. Whit’d yeh call them again?’

I guessed for him. ‘Chihuahua or Shih Tzu?’

‘Aye, wan o they evil wee fuckers, like a yappy bagpipe wae legs. It was daeing aw that barkin shite. An I jist picked it up and flung it oot the windae.’

‘How high up were yeh?’ I asked.

‘Sixteen flairs.’

‘Did yeh hit anythin?’

‘Nah, was jist unlucky. Like that helicopter landing on The Clutha Vaults…it was the brandy.’

‘Aye,’ I smirked. ‘That’s unlucky. Unpiloted error. Yer dog could huv landed on the grass if it was lookin.’

An elderly prisoner on breakfast duty brought us a tray. A warden stood at his back, ready to lock up. The ham was cold but eatable. Sausage warm. Margarine and white bread. If I’d a toaster, I’d have browned it, but I’d no complaints. We shared our plates and sipped at our mugs of tea. He told me his name was Archie again and it wouldn’t be long until he was out.

‘Whit yeh in here for? Archie asked. He waved his hand about to show he meant the medical unit.

I told him I might have epilepsy, but they were waiting to do a few tests.’

‘I’d that tae.’ He was unimpressed. ‘Yeh turn into a spider, don’t yeh? As if yeh’ve got eight legs and yer sparkled?’

‘Cannae really remember. Whit’s the matter wae you? Apart fae yer dogless?

He used the plastic fork to speak the last bit of sausage, and yawned. A food bolus appearing and disappearing from between pink and a clacking set of false teeth.

‘It’s crazy oot there. All the maddies dousing themselves was petrol and setting themselves on fire. I seen wan guy, the warden’s stopped open before he could dae it. Get properly alight. He looked about thirteen. An they’re big guys.’ He puffed his cheeks up and raised his shoulders to show what he meant. ‘An they’re carryin him alang. But I could see they were scared. The wee guy was screamin: “ I believe in the comin apocalypse”.’

He shook his head. ‘Fuck knows whit that means. But there’s been four done it so far. Went up like candles. Screemin that shite. Strange hing is, they don’t see tae feel the pain. The wardens are absolutely shiteing themselves.’