By Ed Crane
She’s only been here for three weeks. I regret every minute. Doing someone a favour. “Somewhere to stay while things are sorted out.” My kitchen is unrecognisable and don’t even think about what’s inside the fridge. My vine grown tomatoes are pushed into a corner like naughty children. The veg drawer is piled high with squash, dandelion roots, earth covered organic leeks, brussel sprouts and gritty carrots. The shelves are crammed with squishy packs of protein and shit covered shiitake mushrooms. My brie has to make way for fromage de chevre, hummus, seaweed and tamari. The cupboards are filled with jars of suspicious looking brown gunge with Japanese labels, vacuum packed miso and wholegrain rice and millet. Next to them packs of mu tea and grain coffee which regularly chokes my coffee maker. I hang my head in shame peeling potatoes for my soup while receiving a non-stop lecture on how bad my beloved red peppers and organic courgettes are for me. We cook at separate times. I spend about ten minutes preparing my food and about half an hour to cook it. I’m done and eaten by 7pm, stressed from the disapproving glares as I bite into my chicken or beef sausages and the expressions of disgust at the sight of my empty fat smeared plate. Two hours of clanking, cutting and fat free frying and she arrives with a bowl of tasteless tofu saturated with tempura, £20 per bottle, fresh pressed olive oil from Andalucía and fiery spices together with a side salad of bitter leaves of dubious distinction. I fancy a sandwich and she insists I try her craft-baked rye bread ordered from the health store and nearly dislodge a filling. The evening is rounded off in stony silence after she spends an hour polluting the environment with fabulously excessive amounts of Fairy Liquid and water as she individually scrubs rinses and re-rinses every utensil and piece of cutlery squeaky clean. She retires to the spare room and I go to my bed to dream of the day she buys her return ticket and contemplate how toxic her Ying-Yang diet makes the atmosphere here.
(Image from Wiki commons)
Apologies to any Ying and Yangers, but Macrobiotics seems to me to be a passing overpriced middle-class fad with dubious nutritional benefits.