Beige Goo Splat - (part 3)

 

Monty and I slept extremely well together that night, we didn’t dream but rather blinked away the night and woke up refreshed but a little disorientated. It took us a few minutes to work out exactly where we were and whether the events of the previous day had been real.

 

We looked around, the walls were still soft pink though but the room itself was mostly empty, it had none of my stuff in it and it looked huge. Outside the sun had come up and looking out of the window, my initial hunch that this town was very similar to the other one but without cars and modern clutter, turned out to be correct.

 

There were a few people milling around, their appearance and clothing appeared normal enough. They looked so relaxed and happy, walking slowly, smiling and talking. I noticed that people were not rushing here like in the real world. It was so peaceful and I was excited to get out myself and see what the place had to offer. There was a feeling that I was safe and I had nothing to lose, except for a day of work which normally would have worried me but on this occasion, oddly it didn’t. 

 

We went downstairs, avoiding the kitchen because we felt no hunger or thirst and didn’t want to run into any versions of Mrs King, especially since she’d been so unhelpful during Monty’s disappearance.

 

The first place we visited was the park. This is where we saw some of those people walking their dogs, the ones who had mysteriously vanished. They were here and their dogs were running in a big circle, enjoying life. Monty barked with excitement and immediately joined in.

 

I sidled up to them. ‘Hi, I think I’ve seen you a few times in the other park.’

 

A friendly young man held out his hand for me to shake and said, ‘Yes, I think I remember you. I was hoping you’d make it to the other side some time.’

 

‘Well forgive my ignorance but I arrived by very unconventional means and I would love to know more about this place.’

 

He laughed. ‘It doesn’t pay to know too much. Some versions of the story have been lost over the years but we’re just grateful that we still have it. Now more than ever, it’s so important to have somewhere to escape to.’

 

‘Yes, I couldn’t agree more and I feel so lucky to have moved to a town with…something like this but I have so many questions about how everything works. I just don’t understand.’

 

A woman was standing nearby with a large golden retriever who kept running back to her with a wide smile and an enormous stick. She looked at me sympathetically and said. ‘Just enjoy being here. The key to being here is not to worry about the details of the why and how. In the past there've been people who have tried to fill in the gaps, study it even, but it’s cost them their magic and also their free entry pass. They’re never allowed to come back.’

 

‘Oh, okay,’ I said quickly,

 

‘You can learn about how it all started though, there’s an interesting story there, a legend.’

 

‘A myth some say,’ said the man.

 

‘But not the, I don’t know,’ she bent down to stroke her dog, ‘science I suppose. Don’t bother questioning that.’

 

‘I won’t. The air here is lovely isn’t it. It sounds silly but I can’t stop breathing it in.’

 

‘And the sun is soft. You can’t get a sunburn here,’ she said, ‘just enjoy it.’

 

‘Thank you,’ I said as I began to walk away to explore more of the park but the man shouted something after me.

 

‘If you want to know more about the history of this place, head to the pub!’

 

‘Okay,’ I nodded, ‘I will….but will it be open yet?’

 

‘Yes, it’s dry now, more of a museum than a pub, well, there’s not much in the way of artefacts, it’s more of a museum of old men with stories to tell and time to tell them. It’s good though. Take your little dog, they’re allowed everywhere in this place.’

 

There were a lot of cats, sitting on walls blinking or just wandering the streets, pressing themselves against your legs as you walked by. Monty was usually reactive around cats but it was strange, he just didn’t bother with them. It was like we were all equal and there could be no friction.

 

The pub, The Quarter Turn, the same name as the one at home, appeared almost a carbon copy of the original. There was something different about the acoustics inside, more of an echo as the punters chatted but they were not drinking. The barmaid, the same one I had seen through the window last night, was polishing glasses behind the bar and placing them back on the shelf.

 

‘Oh hello stranger!’ she said, ‘You were too shy to come last night weren’t you? There’s no space for that nonsense here.’

 

‘We’ve come to learn about the history,’ I said, clutching Monty into my torso for comfort.

 

‘Great,’ she said, ‘speak to any one of these guys, they’ll tell you. I’ve got to go in a minute, I’m swapping over with Jim, the landlord on the other side. It’s his turn for a break.’

 

The pub had plenty of atmosphere, despite the lack of booze, it was warm and fuzzy. I pulled up a chair and Monty went to sit on a mat by the fire, alongside a couple of old spaniels.

 

‘It’s an alternate universe created by the brewer’s wife,’ said one of the guys, grinning as if very proud to impart this information.

 

‘Delphinia Belcher!’ shouted another guy who I had seen many times on the other side, propping up the bar, often with a glowing red face but he was sober today.

 

‘Back in eighteen eighty eight,’ said the first guy, ‘she and her husband were always so busy because people drank a lot in this town, they still do and the brewer struggled to keep up with demand and the people of this town were often drunk. The story goes that one day she took some of the culture he used to start his brews, it was a special sweet one made with butter and brown sugar.’

 

‘Butterscotch,’ I said, suddenly remembering the smell in my old room.

 

‘That’s it! Delphinia was going to use it to bake some bread but when she returned home she accidentally added it to a witches brew she was in the process of preparing.’

 

‘Oh,’ I said, ‘witches are involved?’

 

‘Not really,’

 

‘Not in the evil sense of the word,’ said a voice from the bar. It was the landlord who had just arrived in place of his barmaid who presumably had returned to the other side.

 

The first guy continued, ‘She was in the process of making some magic brew to enable her to escape to a far away place where people didn’t drink and she could have some peace and quiet away from the chores and the madness of the brewery. And this..portal opened up.’

 

‘She took her dog along didn’t she?’ said the usually rose-cheeked man.

 

‘She did and when they returned and told everyone that she’d been to this other world, far away from the demands of conventional life. Of course, nobody believed her until she gave them some of the culture and they splatted it on the walls inside their homes and soon enough, anybody who wanted a portal into the alternate universe had one.’

 

‘It didn’t work on everyone though,’ said the landlord who was stacking old beermats into a neat pile.

 

‘No, it only worked on folks who had some magic about them. All those dull, boring people, well the portal just wouldn’t open for them. Still won’t now and that’s how it should be. They don’t deserve this after all.’

 

‘How did you discover the tunnel? Did somebody spot that you had some magic in you and show you?’

 

‘Tunnel, what tunnel?’

 

‘The one in the park, the main tunnel, up by the gate, behind all those fallen logs, that’s how we come in and out. It’s full head height now and user friendly.’

 

I shrugged. ‘No, no, I came through the splat on the wall in my rented room at Mrs King’s house.’

 

‘Ha ha,’ they laughed, ‘an old fashioned splat, he came through a splat.’

 

‘Trust Mrs King to leave behind her Transyllblobulous Portal. Most people have had theirs removed at some point because they’re not considered safe these days, you know, if there are children around or pets. There’s an energy which can draw them through it.’ 

 

‘So many cats have been lost,’ said the rosy-cheeked man, ‘They are curious creatures and they go through, all cats are allowed through the portals because all cats have magic but then most of their owners are blocked so they become separated.

 

‘Bob Johnson removes the splats from folks' houses,’ said the landlord.

 

‘Oh Bob Johnson,’ I said, ‘I’ve seen his van parked up around town.’

 

‘It’s quite a risky job,’ said the original speaker, ‘the goo is unstable and it’s expensive to do. He dumps the goo up by the gate in the park, that’s where the tunnel opened up but you can only use it if you’re resident in town and…like I say, a little bit magic.

 

‘If you don’t mind my asking,’ said another man who hadn’t spoken yet, ’where did you come out?’

 

‘Just in the middle of the High Street, near the bench there’s a hedge of sorts. I came out there.’

 

The punters all laughed. ‘I know where that is,’ said the landlord, ‘it’s all overgrown there now. I can’t believe you came out there. A sight that must have been, you scrambling around there,’ he laughed. 

 

I felt slightly embarrassed but quickly remembered what the barmaid had said about feeling shy and brushed it off. A thought occurred to me, a question but I didn’t know whether to ask on account of it being a more scientific type of inquiry. However it was playing on mind, especially in the context of the unconventional and rather clumsy entry I had experienced into this alternative universe. ‘I’ve got a question,’ I said.

 

‘Oh yes,’ said the original guy who had told me all about Delphinia Belcher.

 

‘Yes, stop me if it’s too technical. It’s only one question. I just wanted to ask why the goo splat..’

 

‘Transyllblobulous Portal,’ interrupted the landlord.

 

‘Yes that. Why didn’t it just drop me to my own house, my own room on the other side of my other own room.’

 

‘Oh because that would be too creepy,’ said the usually rosy-cheeked man with a stern shake of the head.

 

‘Yes, that would make you feel as if you were in a horror scenario and that was never the point of this place. It’s not to spook people or freak them out.’