Make Millions in Two Minutes...

Today I was in my sprawling country estate in Scotland. I went wild swimming with my extremely macho chums, took down a stag then did some fishing and I caught a forty kilo salmon. We ran the eleven miles home and then after an icy cold shower we sat down in our tight Ralph Lauren shirts to do some trading. 

I used to work nine to five but it was the two minutes a day I spent buying and selling foreign currency that made me a millionaire. My chums and I frowned hard as we crunched the numbers and then smiled smugly as we thought about all the plebs working forty five hour weeks just to pay their landlords extortionate rents.

With my vast knowledge of international markets, I was easily able to land thirty seven thousand pounds in my bank account in the time it takes to boil an upscaled kettle, all while imparting valuable wisdom to my chums who have also become successful traders in their own right. I should also mention that we’re all Tough Mudders, triathletes and swashbuckling dare devils, who take part in Iron Man challenges on a regular basis.

We cracked open a vintage bottle of single estate whiskey and relaxed into a game of poker, during which I won over two hundred thousand pounds and another vintage Porsche. 

Later I barbequed the salmon in my outdoor kitchen then we sat by a roaring fire with my three chocolate labradors. We shared very funny jokes as we spoke to each other in Finnish which we learned in two days using a unique and groundbreaking method involving filling in missing words from sentences on our phones.

It started to get late and one of my chums suggested we drive to the local airport in his brand new Aston Martin SUV. Unfortunately he was driving too fast around the glens and don’t forget, we’d polished off that vintage bottle of whiskey. We ended up plummeting down into a loch. The vehicle was quickly submerged and being produced post 2017, it had very tough glass which was impossible to break using traditional tools. Thanks to one of my chums who’s other entrepreneurial chum had developed an incredible device, a simple tool, small enough to fit in your pocket and designed to break the windscreen of any modern vehicle. We were able to break out and take the invigorating swim to shore. 

I called up my personal helicopter pilot and he flew us down to City Airport. I was fairly tired when I returned to my Belsize Park residence but I still had time to bang out a few tunes on my grand piano. I learned to play thousands of songs in just an hour by learning four simple chords and the music bursts out of the ends of my manly fingertips quite naturally. The sound I make is beautiful and inspiring. In fact, one of my neighbours thought I was a professional concert pianist.

Before going to bed I logged onto my virtual therapist who helps me to process the stress of being such a high-functioning professional and also to calm a mild case of anal twitch which was triggered by being temporarily trapped inside my chum’s vehicle underwater earlier in the day. I remind myself how lucky I am to be surrounded by great people who can readily invent handy gadgets and also make millions trading foreign currency.

Lastly, I consumed a smoothie made from selective, bio tyrannical pea protein which turns fat to muscle seven hundred times faster than raw steak and I stick on my wireless muscle stimulators which allow me to deadlift one ninety kilos every thirty seconds while I sleep.

In the morning I will drive my speed boat across the Thames to fetch a Chai Latte from Gimbleroys Fair Trade Coffee Kiosk which helps thousands of homeless children learn to read. I will master another new language before logging onto my trading account. I plan to double my earnings this week and I will celebrate by climbing Kilimanjaro blindfolded with partially blocked airways.