The Life Of Jim. ( Part 1)

I’ve woken up in some weird places. A car park in the middle of a housing estate, a neighbour's garden, a bathtub in a house owned by someone I didn’t know and even a ladies' toilet cubicle in a posh restaurant in Soho. All these times I was alone, but I’ve also woken up with women whose names I never knew. Ladies that no one, and I mean no one, would want to go home with. But I always got dressed, said thank you and goodbye as I closed their door. I've even woken up just to go and get drunk again.

I remember one time I woke up in a flat in Dalston. I had no idea how I’d got there. I had a raging thirst that only cheap beer could satisfy. The clock on the bedside table was showing 11.35. I guessed it was AM. So got up and put my clothes on. A dark-skinned woman was naked beside me, and a rich, loud and deep snore was coming from somewhere in her face. I looked around for something to drink, not water, of course, that would be too easy, but something a bit stronger. I found a half-full can of beer and drank it down in one. It was flat and slightly warm, but it served its purpose. I left the flat and started walking towards town. Five minutes later, I’d found a pub that was open and ordered a pint of their cooking lager. Wait, that’s not true, I ordered two pints and drank the first one down in just a few seconds. The second pint I took my time with. I went through my pockets and tipped everything on the counter. After paying for the two pints, I had exactly sixteen pounds and thirty-two pence, two condoms, a sticky piece of tissue and an unopened packet of throat lozenges. I had to get back home to Stepney, but fuck paying for it, I’d just jump the barriers and take my chance. If they caught me, I’d just give a false name and address, what they gonna do? Shoot me?

The bartender was okay. He just looked at me and smiled. “You look like shit. Wanna cheese roll? They're yesterdays and a bit stale, I was gonna throw them away but hey, you look like you could use something to eat.”

I took a mouthful of beer and nodded. “Oh yes. Please.”

Two cheese rolls appeared, and I devoured them like a man with a giant tapeworm eating away inside him. I ordered another pint, and somehow the day seemed okay. By 1.30 I was back to normal, that’s my kind of normal and not everyone else's. My kind of normal would send most people running and screaming to their nearest A&E department, from which some would never recover. But for me, this was my usual day.

I felt a hand on my shoulder. “I thought I’d find you back in here.” Said a female voice. It was my dark-skinned lady, only this time she was wearing a blouse and jeans. She pulled up a stool and sat beside me. “Buy me a drink, Casanova?”

I just smiled and ordered another two beers. My money was still on the counter in front of me, and the bartender just counted out what I owed. I leaned in close to my companion. I had no idea what her name was.

“You looked like you were having a nice, deep sleep, so I didn’t want to wake you. You okay?”

She lifted up her pint glass and drank half of it down in one gulp. She then paused for a second before placing it back on the counter.

“I am now.” She said slowly and in a husky voice that had me thinking of those throat lozenges.

I was desperate to know her name. I could have called her babe or honey or darling, but women have a way of knowing if you're bluffing. She finished her drink and looked over to the bartender. “My credit still good in here Stevie?”

He just shrugged his shoulders. “As long as you settle up by next Friday, then we’re all good, Rachel.”

She pointed to a beer pump that had some kind of fancy name. “Give me two pints of that strong lager, only the best for me and my man.”

I was now five pints in and feeling good again. I was with a woman who had a tab at the bar and we were obviously going back to her place for another wild session. Today was a good day.

A man walked in. He looked at me and Rachel. “You two still here? Thought you’d be hungover this morning after what you got through last night.”

To this day, I have no idea who he was or what he was talking about. Yesterday didn’t exist in my head. Then he said something that made me smile.

“Did anyone find a packet of throat Lozenges? I think they must have dropped out of my pocket last night while I was dancing.”

I picked them up off the counter and threw them in his direction. He caught them. “Thanks, Jim.”

Fuck, he even knew my name. How on earth was that possible?

I stayed with Rachel for three days. Then one morning I got up, got dressed and went back to my flat in Stepney. I never went back to the pub and I never saw Rachel again.