Chadpocalypse - 3:10 The Gambler

Chad had never seen a more primal hunger in a being. Even as the word ‘wager’ was leaving his lips, The Devil’s body shuddered in apparent ecstasy. Death stopped in front of the exit tunnel, listening intently. Chad held his breath, wondering if his final gambit was going to pay off.

“A wager?” asked The Devil, finally breaking the silence.

“Yeah, I heard from an old friend that you love a good gamble.”

The Devil made a sound halfway between a hiss and a laugh. “I’ll wager, but I never gamble.” He sat back in his seat at the desk. “But, so far as I can see, you don’t have anything I want. I’m holding all the cards.”

“I propose something old-timey and simple.”

The Devil licked his lips again.

“Do not suffer this fool.” Death turned around and approached. “Our time is almost at hand, and I won’t have this little pissant stopping it.”

“Oh, you won’t?” asked The Devil. “Remind me again, Fergus.” He let the name drip off his tongue like molasses before continuing. “Who is in charge here? Because, last I checked, you might be the guardian of the last bastion, but I own the entire damned underworld.”

Chad thought back to James’s story about The Land of the Dead and wondered if The Devil ruled over that too. Questions for another time, he supposed.

“I’m sorry, your excellence.”

“Ooh,” squealed The Devil, squirming in his seat, “you know I love it when you call me that.”

“I defer to you in this matter, but I strongly advise against wagering with this imbecile.”

“Got a lot of nasty words for someone who killed me with a cheap shot,” spat Chad.

“I’m sorry I can’t be killed by sunshine, rainbows and friendship. It was a fair fight, and you know it.”

The Devil clapped his hands together producing a sound like thunder. “Alright, children, that’s enough. Chad, let’s hear your offer, I haven’t got all day.”

Chad took a deep breath, trying his best to keep his knees steady. This was it, no more do-overs, no other options for escape. “As you know, I’ve been causing a little bit of a ruckus down here in Hell.”

“Yes, I think we’ve covered that.”

“If you win the wager, I’ll pledge my eternal servitude to you.”

“Hmm,” The Devil gripped his horns. “But I could just lock you in a dark hole forever and forget you ever existed.”

The idea of The Devil cooking up a special punishment was terrifying. Chad’s heart raced, but when he spoke, it was with confidence. “True, but you’ve underestimated me before. Imagine the peace of mind knowing that I could never cross you again. Hell, I’d even fight for you in the final war when the apocalypse comes if that’s what you wanted. I killed three of your damned horsemen, think of what I could do with a little demonic backing.”

“Your excellence, don’t entertain this. He simply got luc—”

“Quiet.” The Devil’s voice had lost its frenetic nature, growing low and deadly serious. “And what would you ask in return?”

“Simple, call off the End Times.”

The Devil laughed heartily. “Call off the End Times? That’s it. Had I known it was going to be such a reasonable request…”

Chad knew he was in the end game now and had to double down or suffer the worst consequences imaginable. “What’s the matter, scared you can’t beat me in a wager?”

“No, but I never make imbalanced bets, and while your offer is tempting, it does not equal the End Times.” He turned to Death who nodded in agreement. “Now, here’s what I can agree to, and it’s going to be my final offer. I will offer a stay of execution, if you will, on The Apocalypse. 100 years free from my torment. You will be long dead, and it will be someone else’s problem.”

Chad didn’t like it in the slightest. Shifting the burden to someone else wasn’t his idea of a victory. Maybe if we prepare, another generation can win next time.

Death snorted in indignation.

“I won’t ask again, Fergus, be quiet or I will find someone else to take your post. There are plenty in the pits of fire who would do anything to scramble out.”

Death didn’t say anything, but Chad saw the light in his eyes dim.

“The clock’s ticking, Chad. Either way, I’m leaving this conversation happy, so let’s get it moving.”

“Fine, but I want one more thing.”

“Name it.” The Devil yawned. “You’re growing tiring.”

“I want my life and soul back.”

Death hissed, but quickly sucked it in.

The Devil’s eyes glittered. “I’ll agree to your condition, but I’m going to add another.”

“Fair’s fair.”

“We’ll spin for the competition.” The Devil pointed to the wheel, still standing next to the desk. “We will take turns naming activities to fill out the wheel and compete in the challenge it lands on.”

“Adding a fifty-fifty chance to this wager? I don’t think so.” The odds were already long, and Chad had no desire to make them longer.

“Fine, I name four of the twelve slots.”

“You name three of the twelve and we do it quickly, because I’m getting tired.” Chad’s eyes never left The Devil’s.

“Are you sure your parents weren’t demonic in origin?” The Devil rubbed his hands together and then held his right out. “Fine, it’s a deal.”

“Deal.” Chad shook his hand. There was a feeling like fire running up his wrist and he saw an intricate symbol of crossed horns and a pointed star appear on his skin, black as charcoal. No better time for a first tattoo, right?

“Well, that settles it, let’s go to the wheel, shall we?”

Death said nothing but stood by and watched as Chad and The Devil alternated picking their activities. It was difficult for Chad to come up with ideas at first, but then he thought back to what he was best at. He knew he couldn’t outdrink The Devil, there was likely some preventative measure, but he had been practicing drinking games his whole life. When he was down on his money, it was the easiest way to get free booze.

“Beer pong, quarters, and darts.” The three activities popped up on the wheel.

“Withstanding extreme temperature,” hissed The Devil.

“Knew I was right not to trust you.”

“What do you want from me? I’m the lord of Hell.”

“Cornhole, flip cup, shuffleboard.”

“I vacation in Florida, dear Chadwick. You better hope we don’t play shuffleboard.”

“Shut up and pick.”

The Devil grinned. “Testy, aren’t we? Fine, fiddle.”

“Like the song?”

“Where do you think the song came from? Hurry up and pick,” he mocked in a creepily accurate impression of Chad’s voice.

“Jenga, Liars Dice, and Frisbeer.” The wheel filled out his answers. Chad looked up at the board, confident he could be competitive in any of the above activities. In the end, it was a matter of The Devil’s supernatural prowess, but there wasn’t an alternative.

“Speed Lava Bathing.”

“That’s not even a real thing!”

“It’s on the wheel, so it must be real.” Sure enough, Speed Lava Bathing popped up on the wheel, completing the circle. “Now, I think it’s best we have a guest come spin the wheel for us, don’t you think?” The Devil’s eyes continued to glitter. He walked over to his desk and pushed the intercom. “B, send in our special friend, if you will.”

Moments later, the door to the study opened and a shadowy figure walked into the tunnel. Chad squinted, trying to get a better look and gasped when light fell on the man’s face. Haggard and beaten, James walked in. “What the fuck, Chad?” he asked. “This is the last time I follow you into anything.” The words came out as half moans, but James still managed a sarcastic smile through it.

“I’m so sorry, James.” Chad’s voice broke.

James winked at him. “Just win this game and we’ll be golden.” At that moment, he caught sight of Death. “That was a cheap shot and you know it, asshole.”

“What is it with you people and complaining about your death. I’m not sure a half-moon scythe throw at over a hundred yards counts as a cheap shot.” Death scoffed at the very idea of the thing.

“Well, now that we’re all re-acquainted. Why don’t you go ahead and spin the wheel for us, James?” A grin was permanently plastered on The Devil’s face.

“Wait!” exclaimed Chad.

“Hell, I’ll tell you what, Chad. I can see where this is going, so I’ll amend the deal for you. I get to swap out your first choice for an activity of mine and your friend can go back with you.”

Chad was startled. The Devil had seen right through him. “Deal,” answered Chad without thinking.

The Devil reached out a limp hand and Chad shook it.

“But that’s it!” shouted The Devil growing impatient again. “Instead of Beer Pong, we’re going to play a game of Poker.”

“That doesn’t sound so bad,” admitted Chad.

“I invented the game, young Chadwick. Now, James, if you would please, spin the wheel.”

James stepped up to the wheel with reluctance.

“Really give her a good go. Has to go around a full rotation or it doesn’t count!”

James gripped the edge of the wheel and spun it with all his might. The wheel took off on its own accord, spinning faster than he had the strength to move it. The tiles turned to a raging blur of black and white smudges as it picked up speed. Steam rose from the bearings and turned quickly to black smoke, spiraling off into the chamber.

“Not too late to back out,” offered The Devil. “Oh, who am I kidding? Of course, it is.” He laughed maniacally as the wheel continued to spin. “Good effort there, James. Remind me to pull you aside after all this is done. I have a few questions about that little resurrection trick you pulled last year.

“I think you’ll be waiting a long time,” replied James as the wheel began to slow.

Chad watched the wheel with apprehension as the labels slowly came back into focus. Round and round it went, changing his fate with every rotation. Eventually it came to a stop and Chad’s heart jumped in his chest. The arrow stuck between cornhole and speed lava bathing. The small metal tine indicating the activity bent and the wheel turned slowly. No one made a sound. Chad wrung his hands together.

The Devil stamped his foot, shaking the wheel, and the tine straightened, landing on cornhole. “Damn, so close!” hissed The Devil. “But it makes no difference.”

“Let’s play the game and find out.”