Ken Dodd, Jim Bowen, Sir Edward Heath and Sooty

Immediately before they made love for the first time she warned him.

"When I orgasm I will shout out somebody else's name. So don't take offense, it's just something I do."

"Thanks for warning me," he said. "It would have been a shock otherwise. Who is it, your ex-boyfriend?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know? You mean you shout out the name of a stranger?"

"No, I mean I don't know who it will be. It changes. It will be whoever I'm not thinking of at the time."

"Whoever you're NOT thinking of?"

"I focus my mind away from the sex, it increases its intensity. I think of the least important thing to me at that moment, something the very opposite of sexual."

"I see. So if you scream out my name I'm in trouble."

"Don't worry, it can't happen. That's biologically impossible."

They kissed, his unspoken assent to the name-calling. They slowly undressed each other, then they kissed again. They made love wildly and passionately (click 'remove under 18 filter' to read the unexpurgated version of this story). In the heat of lust he forgot all about their conversation.

He had always joked that his favourite sexual position was joint first, and that's how they finished, him with his face gurned in pure ecstasy and her screaming at the top of her voice; "Mick Hucknall, Mick Hucknall."

"Mick Hucknall," he said, perturbed, as he flopped onto his back in post-coital exhaustion.

"As I say, it's someone I think of as the opposite of sexual. Imagine an alterative universe where instead of having sex I'm doing the opposite, unsexing."

"So while I was busy making your day you were in a parallel world unsexing Mick Hucknall."

"If you like, whatever metaphor floats your boat."

"So who else has it been?

"Oh, I don't remember, just people, anyone, Ken Dodd, Jim Bowen, Sir Edward Heath, Sooty."

"Sooty! You once orgasmed screaming out Sooty's name?"

"One time. It happens."

"But Sooty's a glove puppet."

"An UNSEXY glove puppet. That's the point

He paused, still catching his breath, whilst imagining what it would be like making love, with her screaming out Sooty's name. He lay on his back and she stroked him tenderly. Somewhere, outside of his conscious control, a muscle in his body started to flex.

"Do you fancy another one?" she said.

"Are you serious?"

"Only I was just thinking, Sweep always missed out. Maybe I could give him a go."

He wasn't sure. It had been weird, the weirdest ever. But it didn't matter what he thought, his penis had already decided. 

"Okay, just so long as it isn't the Clangers. After all, some things are still sacred."