Larry and Mick and the Big Thing

"What is it?" said Larry.

"I dunno," said Mick, "but it's Big."

"Metaphorically Big or literally Big?"

"Take a look for yourself..."

Larry did. It was Big alright. With a capital 'B'. He didn't know what to make of it.

"I don't know what to make of it," said Larry.

"Nor me," said Mick.

"Should we call the authorities?"

"It's too Big for that."

"I concur."

"However..."

"?"

"We could call Alice."

"Alice?"

"Alice."

And so they did.

***

"It's too Big for me," said Alice.

"I thought you were used to this kind of thing," said Mick.

"I am, but..."

"?" said Larry and Mick.

"This isn't just Big, it's..."

"???"

"BIG."

"Oh."

***

Alice kicked it.

She shot it.

She connected her iPhone to it.

Larry stuck his finger in it.

"Ow!" said Larry.

"Careful," said Mick.

"Stand back..." said Alice.

"What are you-?" said Larry and Mick, as they did as requested.

Alice pressed a button on a box she had extracted from her cleavage.

There was a flash of bright white.

A high pitched squeal filled the room.

"Do you have to?" said Mick.

"Sorry," said Larry.

"Time to call Leon," said Alice.

And so she did.

***

"I've got you on speakerphone," said Alice.

"Why?" said Leon.

"Why not?"

"Fair enough."

"So Leon..."

"What is it, Alice?"

I've got something BIG."

"All capitals?"

"Yeah."

"Bold and underlined?"

"Not that big."

"Okay, shoot."

"Tried that."

"And the usual protocol?"

"No dice."

"Shit."

"Careful, this is only a 12."

"We need you over here, Leon."

"I'm there!"

"Timeframe, Leon."

"No, I mean literally, I'm there."

"Gaagh!" said Larry and Mick and Alice, as Leon stood before them.

***

Larry and Mick got out the Ludo.

"Alice said no dice!" said Leon.

"But we thought-" said Mick.

"What?" said Leon.

"Never mind," said Mick.

Larry and Mick put away the Ludo.

"Got any guns?" said Leon.

"Do they look like they've got guns?" said Alice.

Leon looked at Larry and Mick.

Larry and Mick looked at Leon.

Leon looked at Alice.

"Who are these jokers?" said Leon.

"The ones who found the BIG THING," said Alice.

"How the f-"

"Look out!"

Another BIG THING came flying through the window.

***

"Shit," said Leon.

"Fuck," said Alice.

("That's bumped it up to a 15," said Larry.)

("I think you're allowed one 'fuck' in a 12," said Mick.)

("Isn't that in a PG?")

("So how many 'fucks' in a 12?")

("Two, I think.")

("Well that's torn it.")

"What are those two fucking idiots prattling on about?" said Leon.

"Fucked if I know," said Alice. "But never mind that... what we gonna do about this?"

Alice and Leon looked at the two BIG gleaming THINGS in the middle of the room (whilst Larry and Mick played Boom Blox on the Wii).

"I've never seen anything so-" said Leon.

"Big?" said Alice.

"Shiny," said Leon.

"I've seen something this shiny," said Alice; "but never two in the same place."

"This is unprecedented," said Leon.

Alice creaked in her Lycra suit.

Leon's guns rattled.

"There's only one thing for it," said Alice.

"What's that?" said Leon.

"Time to call in the Big Guns."

And so she did.

***

The Big Guns were called.

Shooting occurred.

And Kung Fu.

Fisticuffs a-plenty!

The BIG THINGS were vanquished.

Alice and Leon departed.

"What was that all about?" said Larry.

"Jiggered if I know," said Mick.

"Fancy a Hobnob?"

"Heartily."

Hobnobs were had.

And that was that.

[ fin ]