Drawn curtain - you - flashed back,
unwanted, but you know it,
I plucked up courage
and said it - told you to go.
But blink, and it's your smirk; your hobbling
bones, I see, gyrating joy, expressing hate - writhing
forever in a sick-bedded gleam of sarcasm, the echo scream
faded in the dulled glass of your eye. I glimpse a rip in a page
of my life and wonder where
your passion eventually settled, and if
I tried better, harder, could I handle it -
catch it - squash it - lob it far aside.
My first and last wish every day / night - to see you
vanished in the distance. Explain to me please,
how can it be healthy
to sweat beneath your overbearing handedness, while all the while
my anxiousness excited; thrilled you to giggling bits,
as you wheezed and chucked up motherhood all
over the watery waverings of my own sanity?
I try my hardest, not to cave,
but you break each sacred silence
with your incessant howling of prayers
belched out in every peaceful place you overtake. You spoke
of torment and disorder,
and I cannot help but wonder
if there's somewhere deep inside of me, a final burst
of something I could muster
in order to forget. Forget?
No, it's beyond my capability to lose you,
even though I long to do so, since you occupy -
disturb each recess of my spitting brain. In sleep
and wake - I think too much....
I want to concentrate
my efforts to keep a distance; myself from crazy.
Am I like you, not you? It seems every time I manage
for a minute, to escape, there you are again, clinging, sucking
like a leach on my stability.
Hope it's not hereditary - your particular insanity -
you scared me; scarred me, in a billion ruined yesterdays
as much as you do in death.
And I wanted you to go.