The Ella Minnow Pea Problem

I was woken early one morning by a hammering on my back door. I quickly dressed and rushed downstairs, where I found Alun looking agitated state.

"It's the mainland council, _ed," he said, "They've banned the tenth letter of the alphabet.

 

"Ed?" I said. "Who's Ed?"

 

"You are, _ed," Alun said, "I told you, the mainland council have banned the fist letter of your first name."

 

"Are you sure?" I said. It seemed unlikely.

 

"Yes _ed," Alun said. "I've just seen the boatman."

 

"Why on earth would they do something as stupid as that?"

 

"It's the economy _ed, it's completely tanked. The mainland council are responding with ridiculous new laws to distract people from the crippling economic catastrophy they've caused."

 

"Honestly, sometimes I wonder quite what mainlanders are thinking of when they enter the voting booth.  This has to be the craziest idea yet."

 

However, the next morning I was woken early by Alun hammering on my back door.

 

"Where were you _ed?," Alun said. "I was calling out '_ed' for ages."

 

"I thought you were playing with Sir Edward The Astounding, The Fastest, Nimblest Tortoise in the World." We call him Ed for short, as he gets impatient when we call him by his full title and scuttles off. It can take weeks to catch up with him.

 

"Of course not _ed, I was calling you."

 

"Ah, sorry, I forgot about the council banning the first letter of my name. What's the matter now

 

"It's the _ainland council, _ed," he said. "They've banned the thirteenth letter of the alphabet."

 

"Who have?"

 

"The _ainland council?"

 

"Which council?"

 

"That one, over there?" He pointed to the _ainland.

 

"Oh, I see. But that's ridiculous. How are we supposed to even talk if they keep banning letters of the alphabet?"

 

"I think that's the plan, _ed" Alun said. "If we can't talk about how disasterous the _ainland council are we can't criticise the_."

 

The next day I was woken early by a knocking on my back door.

 

"It's the _ainlan_ council, _e_," Alun said. "They've banne_ the fourth letter of the alphabet."

 

"This is getting silly," I said.

 

And so it continued. Within a few weeks they had banned all but one letter of the alphabet. Although the mainland economy was a mess, the government corrupt and the entire establishment venal and useless, it was impossible for anyone to say so. It was impossible to say anything in fact. It was the perfect plan, free from any criticism, the government was well-placed to win the election and rule forever.

 

However, the next morning I was woken early by a hammering on my back door. It was Alun.

 

"It's the mainland, Jed," he said. "They've elected a duck as Prime Minister."

 

"Are you sure?" I said. It seemed unlikely.

 

"Yes Jed, everyone was completely confused when they went to vote, as the council had banned so many letters nobody knew who they were voting for. Luckily the duck's proven much more sensible than the previous leader, he's re-introduced the letter's of the alphabet and everything's back to normal."

 

"Thank goodness for that," I said.

 

"Quack," Alun said.

 

"Why did you just quack?" I said.

 

"Ah, well when I said everything was back to normal Jed, there was one thing I forgot to mention ...