I Don't Eat Chocolate And I Don't Wear Slippers With Marabou Feathers.

I don’t want to do this. It’s so fucking cliched – and I always thought people who did would be the kind of people who were very materialistic – who wore those odd slippers, with high heels and marabou feathers – and they’d have teddy bears arranged on their beds – and wear pastel colours – pink especially – and they’d eat chocolate and cakes, but they’d pretend they were being “naughty” - and that they couldn’t help themselves. I think they are the kind of people who go on cruises. I am not that kind of person.

I like living alone. But I would like in the future to live with someone again. There’s stuff I want to do – places I want to go – and just fucking ordinary things – everyday things, bouncing ideas off someone, being able to say “look at that” Do you know what I just heard? Isn’t that funny? Am I doing this right? Is this is in the right place?”

If I do this – if I say yes, I’ll never be able to do any of these things.

I don’t want to be involved in hurting anyone. I’ve seen what that does – and you must have too, you must have! Why are you even thinking about this?

And you’re my friend. I really like you! I rely on your opinion. There aren’t many people who say what they really think – I mean really – honestly. Who don’t just say yes because they think that’s what you want to hear. I can’t tell you how important that is to me. I don’t want to lose that.

Things don’t happen this way – at least they never have for me. Someone – some American was writing about how she couldn’t understand the way we have relationships here – it was very funny, she said something like “you go to a party, you get drunk, you sleep with someone, and then in the morning you either move in with them or you never see them again”. No one has ever asked me before – not like this.

You said sleep on it. Tell me in the morning. And I have – slept – a bit – and I still think it’s a really bad idea. Not what I want. I don’t want to be a secret. This isn’t going to work. You live too far away. I don’t want to have to get on a plane every time I want to see you.

But I wasn’t expecting it to be like that – like it was. It wasn’t supposed to be – it was meant to be something light, not a big deal. It was a huge deal. It still is. You said that kind of thing doesn’t happen very often . That’s true.

You said let’s just see where it goes – do this one more time – see what happens.

Okay then. Once. So long as you don’t mind me writing about it.