Smokin' at The End of The World

Me and Joe's sitting on the front step, at the end of the world, smoking, when Nob walks by, and he's like, 'Hey Jack, you're smoking; you don't smoke, Mate!' I says, 'I do now - it's the end of the world, remember?  It'd be rude not ta givitago. '

'What? Why?' asks Nob, acting all gobsmacked, and he starts to laugh - (slash - choke), 'Why not!' I say, and in-between wheezes he manages to catch a breath, snatch a fag an' light it. So here I am, sitting on Joe's front step, smoking, Nob's laughing, smokin', chokin and coughing 'is guts up at the end of the world, and when I look again, there's Pregnant Linda pushing a double buggy with the twins screamin' in it, while the three bigger kids run on ahead and the little whingy whiny one drags behind, whinging and whining. Linda seems oblivious. She says, 'I'm meeting Slapper up the pub, d'you wanna join us?' She's hoping I'll pay for a few rounds but I'm saving up for the new iPhone.

I says, 'No, yerallright. And should you be drinkin' in your condition?'  She sighs an says that what with it being the end of the world on the 26th, she didn't think it would matter, so she's gettin bladdered. Then she nicks one a me fags an' all.

It's a bright sunny day and I can't understand why more people ain't making the mostuvit - smokin' an' laughing wiv me, Joe an' Nob, or livin' it up at the pub, like Linda, but a lot of um's gone to work as usual and the kids are at school. End of the world, or not, no one wants them under their feet. So they get sent off with the excuse that life has to go on as normal as if a flamin' great boulder ain't on it's way to smash us out of the sky in a few days time. 

Linda doesn't send her kids to school anyway. The ones what's big enough to go get home schooled because Linda thinks they have ADHD - same as her. She done an online evaluation and got 100%. First time she's ever passed with full marks - she was well chuffed. But really, she couldn't send them anyway; she's never got up before lunch. She says, 'Where's your Nick, in the nick again?

I says, 'He's out - gone straight, packed it all in and bought a motor bike - out with her now, seeing how fast he can take her down the country lanes. He's been at it all night with the lights off - still ain't back.'

'Silly sod! He'll break 'is bleeding neck,' she laughs.

'Not for a couple a days,' I tell her, 'he's planning on crashing headlong into a lamppost at the last minute. Doesn't want to be around for the finale.' 

'Oh, right,' she says, 'well I'd better get on... Come on you lot, I'll buy you a coke an' let you play outside in the car park if you watch the twins.' That's Linda  - she thinks of everything.

Joe's like this silent genius type what's always a step ahead but don't say much. He did mention to me that according to his own calculations, the asteroid will miss us by so many whatevers and the world will continue to spin as usual. But he ain't bothering tellin' no one the good news because no one wants to hear that sort of thing at the last minute after they've made plans.

In a way, I hope Joe's wrong because if it ain't the end of the world, we're all buggered.