Ugly Puggly 32

Ugly Puggly got four mismatched mugs out of the cupboard, and stepped over Harry’s body. ‘Whit kind of tea you wantin, Camomile or Green?’

‘I just want ordinary tea,’ I said. ‘Maybe somethin stronger. I cannae be daeing wae that shite.’

‘Tetley for you then,’ he replied. ‘Because there’s nae booze, you’ve drank it.’

‘I’ll huv Camomile,’ said Dave.

‘Whit the fuck,’ said Jeff. ‘I’ll have Green. It might dae somethin for my Green credentials when I’m talkin tae the punters—I can fling it into the conversation’.

We gathered around the table sipping tea. Jeff and me on the side near the door.

Dave glanced at the corpse and looked away. ‘Maybe we should cover him over wae somethin?’

‘Nah, if you dae that tae Howard, he willnae be able to see. Anyways, believe me, he’s always looked like that.’

Dave smiled and then tittered. Jeff spluttered into his tea. It wasn’t that funny, but it gave us space. A body lying on the floor part of a gag and made normal.

‘Much is in the suitcase?’ I asked.

‘There should be £120 000 there,’ Jeff answered. ‘But he’ll huv about £40 000 in his tail. Check his jacket pockets. He likes to shave a bit aff and he usually gees me a grand, but sometimes it’s only £500. He’s a cheapskate bastard.’

‘How’d you get involved in this?’ Dave asked him.

He blew into this green tea and took a sip. We could see he didn’t like it but persevered, taking another longer drink, and keeping a straight face. ‘It was the usual,’ he said. ‘Caught wae my haun in the till. Little old woman, nae relatives, big house worth 300 big wans. And it was jist goin tae waste. And I diverted some of the cash. Well, maist of the cash, to be honest. I’d a problem wae gamblin.’ He sighed. ‘I still hauv a problem wae gamblin, but I’m gettin it seen tae, I’m in Gambler’s Anonymous.’

‘That’s commendable,’ said Ugly Puggly.

‘It’s commendable that he didnae kill somebody he’d just met, like you did.’ I pointed out. ‘But he stole £300 000 aff an auld woman.’  

‘He didn’t steal £300 000 from an auld woman. You can’t steal from dead people, because they are dead. He stole something from the estate of a dead woman, which is something else entirely different. Banks and financial institutions do it all the time. For every oligarch that lives in the money laundering capital of the world, London, there’s hundreds of thousands of auld women and auld men been duped. ’ To prove his point, he kneeled down and took Harry’s watch off and placed it on the table. Next he took off a gold banded ring. His wallet was left shut but it was thick with £50 notes. A gold lighter and a packet of 20 Embassy Regal.’

‘Where’s his phone?’ Ugly Puggly asked.

‘In the car,’ Jeff toyed with the lighter. I took it off him, opened the packet of Embassy and lit a fag. A frisson of the familiar and unfamiliar. The smoke in my lungs made me cough. I took another few drags and dropped it into Dave’s tea.

‘Hi,’ he cried. ‘I was drinkin that.’

‘No you werenae. You were just dancin round about it.’

‘We’ll need to dae somethin about his phone,’ Ugly Puggly shook his head. ‘They’re trackin devices. We’ve got mair cameras following us than anybody else in Europe. The only good thing is wae aw the cuts to local authorities they had tae turn maist of the aff, because they cost money.

Jeff patted the suitcase. ‘The good thing here is he was paranoid. Always thinkin somebody was oot to get him.’

‘Well, he was right then,’ I said.

He continued right on, ignoring my interruption. ‘He kept his phone in a drawer. And carried the SIM card in his pocket. It was one of those cheap things. No worth a fuck. But I’m sure they can still track you on it. Maybe we should take a hammer tae it.’

‘Or put it doo the back of a train seat, goin tae London, or somethin,’ said Dave. ‘I seen that in some film.’

‘Too many cameras on trains and around the concourse,’ Ugly Puggly tapped his fingers on the table. ‘And ye’d need tae buy a ticket, which kinda defeats the purpose.’  He turned to Jeff. ‘Goin’ get the phone and we’ll see whit we’re dealin wae.’

‘You’re no gonnae turn it on, ur yeh? Because there’ll be a lot of cunts lookin fer him.’

‘Emm, maybe no,’ Ugly Puggly said. ‘So who knows he’s here, apart fae yersel, of course?’

‘Well, the good news is, he doesnae trust anybody. So nobody knows where he is. And the people he deals wae only trust him because they don’t trust him. They know they’ll get their money back, wae interest, or they’ll cut his balls aff and make him eat them.’  

‘That’s good,’ said Ugly Puggly.

 ‘Is it?’ I pulled the packet of cigarettes towards me again. My fingers flicking open the lid.

‘Aye, he’s taken a lot of money oot. Noo he’s disappeared. Whit are they gonnae think?’

‘They’re gonnae think he’s done a runner,’ Dave piped up. ‘That’s whit they’ll aw think, even the police, because they know he’s playin both sides.’

‘Exactly,’ I agreed, ‘as you’re prone to dae’. I turned and faced Jeff. ‘But you’re the weak link. They get tae you and they get tae us. You’d just be as well turnin yersel in and turnin supergrass. Get a new identity.’

He took the packet of fags out of my hand a lit one, blowing smoke in my direction. ‘I never thought of that. But I’ve got two sons and a daughter at University. I don’t hink they’d be very happy of upping sticks and changin their name tae somethin else. Anyway, I don’t plan to get caught.’

‘If you fill Wembley wae 100 000 fans,’ said Ugly Puggly. ‘That’s how many are in our prisons. And I’m pretty sure a fair majority of them didn’t plan tae get caught.’

‘Whose side are yeh on?’ I asked him.

‘I’m on the side of no gettin caught,’ he replied. ‘But I think yer right about Jeff.’

‘I think you should make a run for it noo,’ I told Jeff, pointing at the chopping board, but taking the packet of fags out of his hand and lighting another one. I squinted through the smoke at him. ‘You still here?’

‘One thing about being an estate agent is you meet lots of different kinds of people. And you get to become a good judge of character.’ He pointed at me. ‘You’re an arsehole.’

‘True,’ I admitted.

He looked at Dave and shook his head. I was with him on that one too. But he stuck his hand out and shook Ugly Puggly’s hand. ‘We’ll split the money four ways. That way everybody has a share in what happens next. That way we’re all equally implicated.’

‘OK,’ said Ugly Puggly. ‘We’ll hire a mini-excavator, that way we can dig down about eight feet in ten minutes and bury the body. And it won’t take long to cover out track, literally. We’ll take that out of the common fund.’

‘Sure,’ Jeff shrugged. ‘Bury him wae his phone. Two birds, one stinkin stain.’

‘I don’t want the money,’ said Dave.

‘Whit dae yeh mean?’ I asked. ‘You’ve ne’er got any money and are aye scrounging. You don’t want £30 000 cash?’

‘Maybe a few hundred,’ he had a smug look on his face. ‘But I’d like the rest of my share tae go to Howard’s invention.’

‘His invention?’ Jeff dropped his cigarette into his tea.

‘Aye,’ I explained. ‘He’s invented a roof tile that can conduct electricity or cannae conduct electricity of some shite tae save the world. He’s probably better explaining it himsel. It’s like the Holy Grail, but withoot horses and aw the shiny bits of tinsel.’

‘Whit’s the chances of success?’

‘Practically, none.’

‘I like the odds,’ Jeff declared. ‘He can huv my share tae, on the understandin if it does come aff, I get a quarter of future profits. Tae be honest, if I’d £30 000 cash in my pocket, I’d be right back gamblin.’

‘Fuck,’ I said. ‘If anybody asked me if they could drill for oil underneath my hoose, or blast it wae high powered hoses to get at the shale, and it cause an earthquake a mile away, you know whit I’d say—if they were offerin enough cash? I’m no geeing my share up, fuck yehs. Fuck the world.’