By sean mcnulty
It’s great in the summer as we can spend all these long hours in Easy Weir’s, looking at the videos – that’s Dixon, McGurk, and meself.
Easy’s there behind the counter as per usual with a motorbike magazine open and he’s talking to some invisible gobshite behind the screen having a look through the dirty films we all know are most definitely there – that’s no word of a myth!
--Any new ninja videos, Easy?
--Ah here. Dere’s a rake of dem. Sure lookit.
He produces a long list from under the desk. It’s some kind of order – the kind shops have. He runs his finger down the page.
Oh, and here’s anudder. Ninja. Dere’s loads, he says. And over dere on de shelf beside Delta Force you’ll see de best one yet. Go on, yiz hallians! Be my guest.
So we go to Delta Force. And sure enough beside it there’s a Ninja video. Ninja in the SS Deathcamp. Dixon grabs hold of it first and has a look at the back. His eyeballs go all big like white balloons.
--There’s diddies on the back, he says.
We all jump behind to have a clock. There are diddies alright. Big ones. On an Asian woman who looks like Mrs. O’Keefe, the Science teacher, who’s horrible, makes us chop up rats, but has big diddies.
Suddenly the man behind the screen appears. He slips out and says Right, Easy, I’ll take dese ones, handing over two video cases we can’t see clearly as he is obviously used to keeping it all under the radar, yet we can see that one is very yellow, one is very blue. And ye can see sure as the day fleshy bits all over the fronts and backs.
--Lookit de head on him!
That’s me saying that. Because he has a big long jaw coming out of his face like one of those pelicans. I know him, to see, not by the name he goes by. I mean, I’ve seen him around the town. Back in the day, I was play-wrestling with Colum MacArdle on the green outside the school and he walked past us and he said, directly, to me, ‘Stop touchin’ his balls, ye wee quee-uhh!’ He gave me a scare. I wasn’t a queer. I still amn’t. You don’t expect adults to talk like that to younger ones. And he wasn’t full or anything. You might expect it if he’d had a few, but he was dry as day-old dogshite.
--Ah, you’re de one dat stole de mass card.
I did rob a mass card, yes. It was the first thing I ever robbed. I did it to keep up with the boys because they were always talking about their robbin’. So when we were in the post office one day I grabbed a mass card and ran off just to show them I had robbin’ in me. There was no other reason for doing it. It was a mass card. There was no funeral. Only mine when mam found out. Which she did because it’s a small town for sins.
--Why de hell did ye rob a mass card, ye stupid wee bastard? the man says.
The boys split their holes laughing.
He notices the fleshy bits on Ninja in the SS Deathcamp.
--Lemme see dat!’
He grabs the cover from Dixon and gives it a good seeing over.
--Dis isn’t for you wee cunts, he says. Here, Easy, dese wee cunts are up to no good. Dey’re lookin at diddies.
Easy laughs: Ah, houl yer horses. Sure dey’re only edifyin’ demselves.
--Edifyin? I’ll fuckin edify dem. I’ll take dis one too, hay.
He tosses Ninja in the SS Deathcamp at Easy Weir who says, Ninjas?? Are you sure? It might be a bit sophisticated for your tastes.
--G’way and fuck! Wrap dem up!
--Right ye are. Easy takes out the special brown paper he keeps for all his favourite perverts.
When the dirty bastard leaves, we head down to the back room, where Easy keeps the horrors and the family films. I’ve overheard me dad say how scandalous he thinks it is that Easy keeps his horrors near the family – but he never mentions videos. I don’t care. All I want are videos. Horrors and family too. Some of the scariest covers are in the family section.
McGurk says to me, You shoulda robbed the cover before that old bastard left with it.
--Why rob the cover? What use is it?
--I dunno. But did ye see the set on yer one? I’d find some use for dat. Lookit! Freddy tree! Have ye seen dat?
--I’ve seen dem all, says Dixon. Freddy one, two, tree, fore, five, six...
--Dey’ve only made tree so far, ye fuckin’ lie-uh!
--Fuck off, Shpeelborg
As we are leaving, Easy says, yer not renting lads?
--Not today, Easy, I say.
--No funds. We’ll be Bob-A-Jobbin’ next week though. So ye can expect to see us. And we’ll get as many ninjas in as we can.
As we walk up Church Street, a man sticks his head out the door of McCormick’s Butchers, all flustered. Then he steps out on the street, with the butcher’s gown on him and all wine-stained like yer mudder’s sofa. He has in his hand a brown paper parcel, much like the one Easy gave the man in the video shop. He looks up and down the street, sweating a little. It must be a bit warm with that apron on. As we get closer, he asks us, Have ye seen Johnny Toner?
--Eh, no, says McGurk.
--He was just in here, says the butcher. He was buying sausages and he left this here package behind. We use brown paper too. He must have got mixed up.
--I can bring it to him, Mister, says Dixon. He lives beside me.
--Really? Oh....wait. No, hold on, hay. You’re not having me on, wee man, are ye?
--Not at all. I swear on me granny.
--Alright, well, where does he live?
--Johnny? Right near me. The Avenue.
--Uh-huh. Right. Well. Okay. Take it. But you make sure not to open that. It’s not yours. He better get it in the same shape it’s in now.
--Scout’s honour, Mister.
--Good man yourself.
--How do you know where he lives? I ask Dixon after the butcher goes back inside.
--I don’t. I practised a guess. Sure dere’s loads of avenues in toun. Could be St. Nicholas’s. Legion Avenue. The Avenue Road. He mustn’t a known himself as he fell for it.
--Fuckin tool, says McGurk.
--Yep, says I.
--Anyway, whose house is free?
We get to McGurk’s place, close the curtains, and tear open Johnny Toner’s package. It’s like opening the ark of the covenant in Indiana Jones. The diddies just come flying out, lighting up the room, and the power of God is upon us, melting our faces clean off.
When the first blue starts, we’re paralysed from the toes up. I’m not sure if there’s anything beyond the toes. I’ve never thought about it before.
Aww, never seen the like of it before----
There is a noise at the front of the house.
McGurk: It’s me mam.
Dixon: Ye fuckin dickhead. I thought ye sed---
We quickly move to change the video. I’m the one who does it. I’m a master of ejecting videos. I throw Ninja in the SS Deathcamp in instead.
--aw, well, boys, what a nice surprise, says Mrs. McGurk.
--Hey, mam, says McGurk.
--Would yiz like something to eat, boys?
--Some toast would be lovely, mam.
--I’ll bring some in surely.
And she does. She brings it in during the scene where the nazi officer is having his face gnawed off by a hundred rats and it’s lovely toast, I have to say.