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Nurps'n'Burps

'How many Nurps in a Burp?' I said

My Dog is Not a B*ll*ck Coaster!

When you're sitting in my chair, Be careful what's already there.

Romance

Written for my employers. They sometimes pay me in whisky for humorous, rhymy call centre-themed poems. I have a T-shirt proclaiming me the call centre poet.

Stronger

I didn't build muscle today Or devout hours in the gym I did however realise I'm much more lovable than him

Waiting

Sometimes you must sit and wait Trust to fortune, accept your fate...

No Hope of Parole

..."Are you even listening to me?" she accused him, in a harsh and hurt tone which cut through the fog. To a lot of men, it would sound like a question, albeit a pissed off one. Nate knew differently. It was a statement. And if looks could kill, June would be put in prison without hope of parole...

Journal 16th-18th Sept

When asking the Universe for a man you can love unconditionally, who also loves you, ask for one who lives close by and mention that a monogamous sexual relationship is also a required part of the deal.

Journal 15th Sept

Sometimes you just have to get out of the house. Which can lead you to do out of character things. Not a bad rule to have. At least once a week.

Journal 14th Sept

"I feel better than James Brown Was Not Was

VENUS IS ONE

Light-hearted poem.

While they cuddle under the duvet, their neighbours suffer from tinnitus

"They're not nearly as in love as we are. "Are we that sickening? "Nah. We don't even snog in public. "Except that one time, remember when we smooched in Heigham Park? "And all the children went momentarily blind? "Yeah. "Yeah.

Playing with Fire

His voice still haunts me: "i will show you tonight, my fire phoenix!" Nervously, i paced around the entrance of the carnival. The "lantern festival" had already began. Where was he? I glanced one more around and went back looking at my feet, they were rather small for a seven year old girl, i thought.

Perpetuating Fear

Betrayal

What You Never Knew I meant to Say (Official Apology)

I never did get the chance to tell him. To this day he might not even realize what my motives were, I continue to let him believe what he wants. Everyone said that I would just make things worse. So i wrote out my offical apology, maybe one day he'll see it.

A Rainbow in The Storm

Stop please, not tonight, she thought.

The Bird Woman

The kisses were birds, thought Cal. Hummingbirds, probably. The caresses were the pre-game, the main event yet to come. He sighed to himself. He didn't feel sexy, or cute, or attractive in any way. He felt natural, and at ease; which was, in itself, a mirage. He was only fully at easy in the bird house, the curse of the passionate zoologist. Any erotica was related to birds. He didn't accept this to be inaccurate, or disturbed. Humanity, through all its elusive and brilliant history, had depicted sexual organs as animals. Women became birds: chicks, birds - even hen nights. They weren't really birds, of course. They were hot-blooded, intelligent mammals who gave birth to live young - and Cal was immune to them. The bird beside him now - what was her name, again? - was trying her best. Cal was comfortable, and his mind, lethargic in its comfortability, resumed to thinking about birds...

Orders after an Apocalypse

Deciduous green coats the speed of the four-lane empty motorway, the sky is white as bloodlessness, my heart as coal. Administer my backless dream of bean-shoots with cobalt sun. Be merciful to all creatures

The Map People

T H E M A P P E O P L E I see the neatly lettered names before me on a map affixed to the wall. They are a rota of communities, formed by those who came before us. The enclaves are well ordered and spacious in their two-dimensional, mercator projection. The boundary lines are linear and perpendicular and none give a hint to the complicated array of lives that reside within these neatly proportioned hereditary fiefdoms. One can imagine them to be what they are, tiny baronies with well defended borders and armed check points, with gates manned by stern looking para-military personnel.

The Meeting

I leaned back in the comfortable padded chair. The varnished wooden desk in front of me looked like an inviting foot rest. I restrained myself however; my secretary was still in the room. "When Mr. Pagnol gets here, please show him in, Susan." I said.

Everybody Loved Polly

...so my face looked worse than a Halloween jack-o-lantern! In other words, swollen. But let me tell you, I certainly remember being upset for having to miss such a delightful occasion.

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