Cherrypicked stories

- What was stopping you just picking up the phone and calling me? > An elephant sat on me.

I'm getting used to days of rescheduled telly, half-hoping a friend will answer his phone from under the rubble.

With slick lipstick so red and thick I've smeared my sullen lips. The polish fails deep crimson nails

Another journal. Thoughts on a frilly hat.

There's a secret about vasectomies that you don't discover until you're committed to the little operation. You have to have a lot of sex before it works. The actual operation is quite simple and painless: a bit of intravenous Valium takes your mind not only off your balls being cut on but pretty much everything else as well, and you're out of the doctor's office inside of 45 minutes. There's not a whole lot of pain afterward despite the location of said surgery, and you're back on your feet in a day or two. You can resume sex anytime you feel up to it; certainly within a week in most cases.

A monday morning rant about space exploration, Jeremy Clarkson and nappies.

It seems there's more money in blindness although amputees do ok

Hello there. My name is O'Riely and I am a broom. I've been a broom for as long as I can remember, twelve years or so if memory serves. The vast majority of that time I have spent propped up against the wall in a utility cupboard in Sheperton Studios which is a place where films are made just outside somewhere called London. I have it on reliable authority that things haven't always been this way. Long ago I wasn't a broom. I was in fact part of something called a tree, two trees actually, but I have no way of verifying this. I can only ever remember being a broom. If I was ever anything else then it wouldn't have been me so I don't remember. Obviously.

First kinky item for the new site