Ugly Puggly 93

I’m not sure how it came about that Dave and Darrell ended up saying they’d stay the night. Maybe it was because Darrell uncorked a bottle of white wine, or whatever they called the whiney stuff that wasn’t meant to be inexpensive but cost over one-hundred quid. They said it was a thank-you gift. I’d have preferred a fuck-off gift. I didn’t want their thanks, but it wasn’t aimed at me. Molly sipped from a small glass. They drank the rest. Not that there was much rest. But I was thinking like an alky. A hundred quid was also called a ton. In our alky economics it would have bought a ton of drink with enough change for a hangover cure and a week in Gartnavel Hospital.

I was tempted, but did something I don’t usually do. I went into the bathroom and phoned wee Jim. He loved crises in the way fat kids loved cheese and onion crisps. ‘It’s me,’ I told him about how I was feeling. It was too late to go to a meeting.

‘You want me tae come and meet wae yeh?’ he asked. ‘Wan-tae-wan?’

‘Nah,’ I admitted. ‘The sight of yer mugshot would probably put me straight on the drink.’

‘Whit you want me to dae then?’

‘Dunno.’

We were circling like two teenagers over admitting we fancied the same girl that everybody else fancied.

‘I jist need tae get oot somewhere… wae them aw drinkin and enjoyin themselves.’

He huffed into the phone. ‘They’re no enjoyin themsel!’

I listened to them laughing through the toilet door. ‘Seems like it tae me.’

‘I’m comin right oer.’

He used that decisive tone of voice I checked the toilet door was snibbed. I’d a mild coughing fit. But when I checked he was still listening and not banging through the door to rescue me. ‘Don’t bother. It’s too late and yev work in the mornin.’

He breathed into the phone, while considering his answer. ‘Awright… yeh sure?’

‘Aye. I’ll be awright.’

‘That’s good. Let go and let god. You want tae say the Serenity Prayer wae me?’

‘No really.’

‘Awright.’ I heard his tongue clacking. ‘You know whit yer problem is?’

‘If I’d only wan problem, I wouldnae huv a problem.’

He was quick to jump on that. ‘See that’s yer problem. It’s always about you. Yeh don’t leave room for anybody else, even god. That’s pride at work. And yeh know whit happened tae the arrogant soul?’

‘Aye, he got ate by headless chickens.’

‘Funny,’ his teeth clacked together in disapproval.

I cut it short. ‘I’ll see yeh in the morning, Jim.’

When I went back into the living room they were sitting around the table, heads pushed close together and sniggering. Dave had a glass in his hand. Darrell was sipping at his beverage and in the midst of telling a rib-tickler. Molly leaned forward a spark in her eyes. She smiled at me, an invitation to join them.

‘I’m goin for a walk,’ I told her.

She joshed me. ‘You don’t go for walks.’

Dave made a smarmy remark, but I ignored him and went to get my jacket. Molly followed me into the hall. She hissed, ‘Whit yeh daeing, we’ve got guests.’

‘Yev got guests. No me.’  

‘Is that the way yeh want tae play it?’ It wouldn’t have surprised me if she gave me a dunt as I went down the stairs. ‘Yer jist a selfish pig.’

I pulled my collar up against the wind and rain. Tucked my hands in my pocket and felt the van keys jiggling. I felt not so much I was leaving but being pushed out.

Jumping into the driver’s seat, I started the engine. Higher in the cab, I got a good view of how dreich everything was. Street lights were brighter on the main road and takeaways had a few bodies, smudged colours, mainly grey outlined in the window. I was wearying of the drink and wearying of not drinking and wee Jim’s constant carping. I found it hard to imagine not drinking again. But I’d a fear of withdrawal. I’d a fear of most things. I found myself driving up towards the crematorium.

The headlights picked up the places where we’d parked and hid the Bongo. I turned the lights out and the engine off. Part of me was hoping I’d find Ugly Puggly. I’d tried to make my life different. But failed. Wee Jim and Molly were right. I was a selfish pig.

I knew the best way to kill myself was just get a bit of plastic piping and stick it in the back window. Park near the memorial wall up from the older graves. Shut all the windows and let go and let god.

But I couldn’t figure out where I’d get the plastic bit. I left the engine running and parked beside the skip. Stuck my head in, but it was difficult to see in the darkness. Mostly topsoil but there was a yellow plastic tube partially buried. I stepped up into the skip, rocking back and forth as if at sea, while I got my feet.

Thrown by my phone ringing in my jacket pocket, I lurched to one side, gripping the horizontal bar at the top. I thought it would be wee Jim talking more shite. But I squinted at the number and wasn’t going to answer, but knew it wasn’t his. My brain did a backflip because it was Ugly Puggly phoning.

I pressed the wrong button and cut him off. Staring at the phone in my hand, I waited for it to ring again. A man in a peaked baseball cap and long coat passed. He might have had a wee dog with him. Something hairy and black ran ahead.  

He glanced over. ‘What you doing in there?’

‘Lookin for a bit of plastic pipe tae kill mysel.’

‘That’s all right, then,’ he replied. ‘As long as you’re not stealing anything valuable.’  He disappeared into the darkness behind the Bongo.

I stood in front of the headlights, my hand shaking as I pressed the redial button. It started ringing. After about thirty seconds, it went onto the answering machine. Asked me to leave a message. I kept redialling and getting the same message. I needed to get back to Molly’s, checking if the playboy had any messages from the dead.