Cleanser of Demons

 

Edward remembered his induction clearly. Together with Judy, his colleague, they had spent three days at a conference centre watching Brian, their mentor, flipping charts and engaging in role-play. The two of them had beaten hundreds of other applicants. 

 

‘I just want to help people, you know, give something back,’ Edward had said as he sat on his hands during the job interview. Brian had only stared into his eyes which made him feel very uncomfortable so he blurted out, ‘I earned a lot of money as an insurance fraud investigator and I got even more when my wife sold her jam business, then died.’

 

‘You’ve got the job,’ said Brian.

 

‘Oh really, when can I start?’

 

‘Straight away. You’ll need to complete an induction with Judy, my other successful applicant. She used to be a dentist.’

 

The interview ended abruptly. Edward went home with mixed feelings. He made a cake and spoke to his wife’s ashes but her spirit wasn’t present. She had grown sick of the sound of his voice and had already bonded with other spirits and moved to a new area.

 

The induction began with some startling information.

 

Brian stood at a lectern, staring at the polystyrene tiles on the ceiling, he said,’Most of our clients are male, you know that don’t you….’

 

‘Oh,’ Edward was puzzled. ‘I didn’t actually. I just assumed that….’

 

‘You assumed half and half I assume, but we're both wrong. Most of the problems which affect women are just trivial problems, self-inflicted issues caused by their hormones or unrealistically high expectations but men are different, men have demons. You must have seen it in films and read about it in books; when notoriously violent, addicted or sad men are interviewed, they always talk about their demons. It’s never them, it’s always their demons.’

 

‘But,’ Judy raised her hand, ‘Ninety percent of violent crime is caused by men, do you think perhaps the hormone testosterone is to blame.’

 

‘No,’ Brian shook his head, closing his eyes as if to give greater affirmation to his statement. ‘Testosterone causes hair loss. All the other problems are caused by demons Judy, they’re everywhere, seeking men to attach themselves to and it will be your job to drive them out, to exorcise them from our clients. The fee is £500 so you’ll need to do it properly. You’ll each be given a tuning fork and a net, and you’ll need to learn our mantra off by heart. The demon will leave the body, on average, in twenty to thirty minutes, sometimes less and you’d better be ready to catch it with your net.’

 

Edward went home, unsure if he’d made the right decision. The job sounded slightly more physical than he’d imagined. He’d never been good at sports. Judy looked really sporty, she looked like she would be really professional on the badminton court.

 

It felt too late to back out now and he’d already memorised the mantra without even trying. ‘Demon spirit, it’s my plan, to drive you from this innocent man, I do my work at his behest to draw you out so he can rest and catch you in my nylon net so no more you can make him fret.’

 

The first day came around too quickly. He put on his suit, placed the instruments into his briefcase and drove to his new workplace using controlled breathing techniques to calm his nerves. Brian handed him a lanyard with a laminated photo, Edward Nailer, Cleanser of Demons.

 

Judy grinned at him, she seemed so confident. ‘You’re going to smash it!’ she said, whacking him on the shoulder. 

 

Brian showed them to a large room, like a sports hall with two chairs in the middle. Their first two clients entered and sat down. Judy set to work immediately and Edward forced himself to act, following her lead. The clients sat with their eyes shut, clenching their fists and sweating as the two, newly appointed, Cleansers of Demons said their mantras and gently tapped their tuning forks, persevering so that there were no silent pauses in the process.

 

To Edward’s astonishment, his client’s demon left first but it was too fast and he struggled to catch it, chasing it around the sports hall until he was out of breath. Eventually he got it into the net and slam-dunked it into a transparent sack, provided by Brian. Judy wasn’t far behind and they soon got into a rhythm, exchanging smiles as they worked effectively cleansing demons and enjoying the satisfaction on their clients faces and they left the building finally free.

 

By the end of the day the transparent sack was full of wispy demons, groaning and writhing. Brian came in and removed the sack from its holder, knotting it at the top. ‘How have you found your first day guys?’

 

Judy nodded. ‘It’s great, really enjoyed it. Those men are finally able to enjoy their lives. Honestly, I feel absolutely great, on cloud nine!’ She clenched her fists and raised them in the air.

 

‘Good. How about you, Edward?’

 

Edward was distracted by the bag of demons. ‘Mmm, good I think. I just wanted to ask, what happens to the demons in the bag?’

 

‘Oh,’ Brian laughed a little, ‘I drive out to a different spot every evening and release them into a new area, a different environment.’

 

‘Okay. Do they just….dissolve or something?'

 

‘No, demons can never be destroyed so they fly around for a while and then eventually they just find a new host and start again. You know sometimes,’ he laughed, ‘I recognise them from before.’

 

Edward nodded slowly. ‘So we’re not really getting rid of the problem, we’re just relocating it somewhere else.’

 

Brian nodded. ‘It’s true of most of the world’s problems, Edward but it would be unwise of me to speak of such things.’ He crinkled the bag, pulling it tight at the knot. ‘Go home and rest now. Revise your mantra and I’ll see you both in the morning, bright and early.’

 

Edward stood still, feeling confused and uneasy about the seemingly callous nature of his new profession which seemed in contrast to his initial opinion of it which was that of helping society, doing good. It seemed more like a production line of demonic relocation. Was it better for a few men to be inhabited by demons their whole lives or for lots of men to be possessed by them for shorter periods and then free but possibly altered. 

 

Whatever the case, he surmised that it was perhaps a better deal than that of women who could not escape their hormones. He gazed at Judy but struggled to pity her despite her alleged plight.

 

 

'Edward, do you fancy a game of Squash?' she said, smiling.