J. C. Jones IV - Take Me Out of the Ball Game

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, I wasn’t myself on last week’s show with Mister Claus. Please forgive me. And because J. C. still loves you, I will muddle through. Even though you continue to mock and ridicule me. For example: I was at a baseball game at Citi Field last night, seated next to Mr. Tom Hanks; a gentleman who kept giving me sidelong glances while signaling to an usher to have me removed. You’re killing the vibe, said the usher. And who wears a thorny crown to a baseball game? Move it, freak, you’re drawing flies!

“They said I reeked of fish and old cheese. It’s a diet that sustains me, much as the blood running through my veins. Speaking of blood, need I remind you how much of it I gave for your sins? You’re welcome, by the way. A lot of good it did me. You’re still awful—to me, and to each other. But I will not give up on you people. I love you still. And the show must go on!

“Our guest this morning is Mr. Billy Hopper. Billy is an usher at Citi Field. The same usher who made me spill my beer while hauling me out of my seat during last night’s game. I was hoping we could smooth things over.”

“What were you doing drinking beer?” said Billy.  “I thought you people only drank wine.”

“You people, Billy? Really? Is that how this is gonna go?”

“Don’t play me like that, J. C. You had one too many beers and I had to remove you from your seat. And Mr. Tom Hanks did not appreciate you taking his name in vain on your way out.”

“And I did not appreciate Mr. Tom Hanks making a stinky face when I raised my arm to get the beer vendor’s attention. Oh, everybody loves Tom Hanks. Can I have an autograph? Can I get a selfie? Can I have your baby? And me sitting there like a fool while he soaks up all the glory. I’ve resented that man ever since viewing that blasted Cast Away movie in which he is essential killed and reborn again. He even gets the girl at the end. Where’s my girl? My Mary Magdalene? I don’t even get so much as a Wilson to see me through those lonely nights. What did I get after my rebirth? I got people like you not listening to a word I say. I say to love each other, and you give me a big fat raspberry; all because love is too much work. Well, here’s a big fat raspberry back at ya! Pfffffft!”

“Real classy, J. C. You do your mother proud.”

“You leave my blessed mother out of this! She’s been through enough!”

“J. C.?”

“Yes, Marty, what is it? I’m kind of busy right now.”

“We have a caller.”

“Who is it?”

“Oh, you know who it is,” said Tom Hanks. “I was the guy that got poked in the head with a thorny crown when you went reaching for that foul ball. That’s who this is. If you weren’t such a pauper I’d sue your tunic off.”

“Pauper? I was in the Bible. The Bible. What were you in? Toy Story? Pfffffft!”

“Oh, yeah? Well, let me tell you something. I think I could play you better than you do it! You’ve lost your touch. I know how to reach the hearts and minds of the populace. You? You’re flapping around like the fish you're always trying to pawn off on people. Folks also need fiber, you know. That’s what I give them—plenty of fiber.”

“All you give me is gas, Mr. Hanks. And I was quite gaseous throughout much of The Da Vinci Code. Perhaps it was my munching on a sack of figs, but I doubt it. Talk about a bloated nothing. And, by the way, Mary Magdalene and me were just good friends; I never touched her. If there was a kid involved, it wasn’t mine. And all immaculate conceptions get pinned on the Old Man. He’s a rascal, that one.”

“Well, to show there’s no hard feelings, can I send you a complementary Tom Hanks Loves You baseball cap? That’s if I can find one big enough to fit that swelled head of yours. Look at me! I can walk on water! I can raise the dead! I mean, c’mon, man! Get real!”

“Marty! Get the Old Man on the line. I need an intervention, and he’s the only one licensed to  smite a celebrity!”

“On it, boss. Now, take a few deep breaths and forget all about Mr. Tom Hanks. And to you listeners out there, we’ll be back next week. Thanks for tuning in.”

Picture courtesy of Wiki Commons:

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:2024_04_Da_Vinci_Code_V_shape_La...