Teeth Tales - The Miser’s Guide to Molars

Cherry

By Turlough

Sat, 07 Mar 2026
  • 585 reads
18 comments
 

 

Teeth Tales - The Miser’s Guide to Molars

 

It would always cost an arm and a leg

For the dentist to look at my toothy-pegs

And if he found there was work to be done

To pay him I’d need to sell a kidney or lung

‘twas beyond my means, what with hyper-inflation

So I hired a bloke that did cavity insulation

 

At the age of six, my daughter’s tooth fell out

She said, ‘You know the tooth fairy? What’s that all about?’

In simple terms I explained the cash-for-teeth deal

Thinking to finance this we’d forego several meals

She said she’d been told by some of her mates

These days a crisp fiver was the going rate

 

I thought it too soon to tell the dear child

Such capitalist traits should be reviled

So late that night I sneaked in her room

And by the light of the silvery moon

With the ketchup bottle I squirted some red

On the Paddington pillowcase on her bed

 

At breakfast she asked me ‘Where’s my money?’

I said ‘I’ve some sad news to tell you honey

As you rolled over in the night while you slept

You must have squashed her as she silently crept

That mark on your pillow is the blood that she shed

And I’m sorry to say the tooth fairy is dead’

 

Image:

One of my daughter’s milk teeth.

 

 

Certificate U
Poem
Poetry in Commotion
Fantasy
Humour

Comments

Submitted by insertponceyfre... on

hahaha - is she still in therapy?

 

Submitted by Turlough on

Aye, the whole family is.

Turlough

Submitted by GlosKat on

Ooh that's a bit bleak. Don't let her read SoulFire77's entry (Ratoncito Pérez is Not a Fairy), or she'll think she's murdered a cute little mouse sad

 

Submitted by Turlough on

We were living in Chippenham, a place where these things happen. We still talk about the noises made by the little girl who lived in our house when it had been a mill.

Turlough

Submitted by GlosKat on

I live about 10 miles away from RAF Fairford.  We;'ve got strange loud noises going on in the night but it's the B1 bombers.  More scary than any ghosts.

Your daughter's gnasher is very impressive for a milk tooth.  I thought it was the one you found on the beach!

 

Submitted by Turlough on

My kids and I were out in the car one day that must have been in 1999 and we went past Fairford. On the runway there were about a dozen B52 bombers revving up their engines in readiness for taking off to bomb Belgrade (they have a new target every year).

We stopped and got out to have a look and got talking to an Englishman who was like a trainspotter from the dark side. He knew the names and numbers of all the planes and all the missions they’d been on during the previous forty or fifty years, including those in the war in Vietnam, Cambodia and Laos. We hung around for about an hour in the hope that we’d see one taking off but we eventually got tired of waiting and left.

The man got really shirty with me and tried to explain the principle of war when I jokingly suggested that the American air force should publish a timetable. Lucky for us he didn't hear my son ask why they'd named the planes after a band.

The tooth thing is the one from the beach at Marsden. My ex-missus has all the kids’ real teeth. I got the microwave.

Turlough

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on

Some brilliant rhythm and rhyme going on in your poem Turlough. You have a way of really grasping the idea of a toothy message. yes

Jenny.

 

Submitted by Turlough on

Fangs for that Jenny.

laugh

Turlough

Submitted by ScoZen on

   "...At the age of six, my daughter’s tooth fell out

She said, ‘You know the tooth fairy? What’s that all about?’..."

Turlough.  A late arrival in reading your Toothy  Tale.

Tell your daughter we have a real ABC Tooth Fairy fluttering in to judge the entries.

Thanks for posting.

 

 

ScoZen

Submitted by Turlough on

Thanks for letting me know ScoZen. I'm very pleased to hear that. I hope the ABC tooth fairy's not plastered in tomato ketchup.

Turlough

Submitted by airyfairy on

The Tooth Fairy is, obviously, protected from ketchup by her sparkles, as are all us members of the Fairy community. She says that if your daughter ever wishes to take revenge for the childhood trauma, she will happily assist. There's a lot she could do with a bottle of brown sauce.

Nevertheless, Tooth Fairy joined me in enjoying your story!

Submitted by Turlough on

The revenge, described by my daughter as sweet and spicy, has already been meted out. It took the form of a Friday teatime pre-application vigorous shaking, an almost full bottle of HP’s finest, a loose lid and a formerly brilliant white dining room ceiling. There might have been some strong language too.

Thank you for the offer of help and the cherries.

Turlough

Submitted by airyfairy on

This is our Teeth Tales Bronze Medal Winner! Congratulations!

Submitted by Turlough on

Oh, I don’t know where to start. This is such an honour. I’d like to thank my mother and the milkman, my agent, my homeopath, my acupuncturist, the Dagenham Girl Pipers, Johnny Ten Levs, the team at Mucky Monika’s Massage Parlour, and last but not least, my dentist. Should I sing a rebel song now? And Free Palestine!  

Turlough

Submitted by airyfairy on

None of that counts unless you're wearing a purple Armani tux, silver shirt, chiffon scarf, scarlet trainers and Dame Edna sunglasses. And a glittery brooch. Oh, and the mandatory 'visible watch'. If not, even the Dagenham Girl Pipers won't get you into the after party.

Submitted by Turlough on

Well isn't that lot just exactly what I wear all the time? 

Turlough

Submitted by GlosKat on

 

 

Submitted by Turlough on

Thank you Kat. I've just arrived home from the dentist... honest! So this will help to take my mind off the post-anaesthetic drooling and dribbling.

Turlough