The St Trinians problem 

Cherry
Story of the week

By The Other Terrence Oblong

Mon, 09 Oct 2017
  • 3636 reads
9 comments
 
I was woken early one morning by a hammering on my back door. I quickly dressed and made my way downstairs, to find Alun in an agitated state. 
 
“Its Hermoine, Jed,” he said, “She’s running an illegal gambling club. And Melissa’s brewing illicit hooch, Jessica’s selling dangerous animals as pets, Toni’s running a Dare Club, which  involves daring each other to jump off cliffs, wrestle sharks and juggle chainsaws, and Belinda’s forging new five pound notes which are better than the real thing.”
 
“A normal day then,” I said.
 
Once a year, our quiet, lonely island is visited by the girls from St Trinians, while their teachers enjoy a break on No Kids Here Island, the only island in the world where marking, lesson preparation and children are all banned under local law. 
 
I put on my shoes and coat and we made our way to the empty house, which was now anything but empty, acting as it was as a temporary school and boarding house, and resembling a war zone with the wreckage and mess that only a night of St Trinians girls can achieve.
 
“Sonia, put that horse down,” Alun shouted as we strolled towards the house, “Melody, I’ve had the FBI on the phone, somebody’s hacked into their server and changed all the email passwords. They say that if you change them back they won’t prosecute.”
 
It may seem strange that two people who enjoy a quiet life as much as Alun and myself would take on the entire school of St Trinians for six weeks every summer, but it’s worth it.  The sheer joy of contributing to the education of a new generation has nothing to do with it. It’s simply the fact that Happy Island celebrity football match is the best of its kind in the world.
 
I should explain. Alun’s attempt at launching a dating agency from the island had initially proved a failure, there being only two residents of the island and both of us middle-aged men (though we can be younger if the story requires, see for examle ‘the foolish young men problem’). Then one day by chance, the St Trinian’s girls visited the island on a Learning About Isolation fieldtrip, and the sixth form girls added their names to the Happy Island dating app.
 
Chaos followed, with thousands of rich men signing up for a chance to date the highly eligible St Trinian’s girls, including a large number of mainland Premier League football players (including many of those who are already married).
 
It was Alun’s inspired idea to use this unique opportunity to organise a combined celebrity football match and mass blind date. The first year was a great success, with some of the best football talent on display, and a school disco which resulted in four marriages and numourous affairs, which only led to increased interest the next year. Soon, every big-name footballer in the world was asking to take part.
 
 It made for a great specacle, the finest football talent on the globe playing for an audience of two (plus the St Trinian’s girls) on the Happy Island football pitch / cow field. The sheer pleasure of watching Lionel Messi sprint down the wing, clear five defenders and two cows, before slipping on a cowpat is not to be equalled.
 
As well as being able to watch the greatest footballers in the world play in our own personal match, we make a small fortune every year by selling the TV rights to mainland TV companies.
 
This year’s event seemed likely to be a similar success, or so I thought, but I was woken early one morning just before the match by a hammering on my back door.
 
“It’s the St Trinian’s girls Jed”, Alun said, “They’ve sold Happy Island.”
 
“Sold the island?” I said, “Are you sure?” It seemed unlikely.
 
“Yes Jed, Melody hacked into the Happy Island computer and sold my 51% stake in the island to a property developer.”
 
“Can we buy it back?”
 
“Yes Jed, but unfortunately Melody used the Vince Cable valuation calculator, meaning she sold it for one tenth of what it was actually worth.”
 
“What are we going to do? We could lose our island.”
 
“Never fear Jed, I have the perfect plan for getting the island back. I’m going to bet our entire fee for the TV rights on Wayne Rooney scoring the first goal. If we win I’ll have more than enough money to buy back the island.”
 
“Wayne Rooney to score?”, I said, “Are you mad? The cow’s more likely to score than Rooney. Besides, why's he even here, he’s not single, he’s got a wife. And a girlfriend.”
 
“He’s keeping his options open, Jed. Don’t worry about the bet, when have I ever let you down, Jed,” Alun said. I spent the next three hours reminding him.
 
Come match day we were both nervous. With some of the richest and best footballers on the globe all slipping and sliding around on cowpats, it was a unique sight. The bet looked doomed, with Rooney barely managing to kick the ball, stopping every now and then to pick up litter, but otherwise not featuring.
 
Then, suddenly he got the ball just outside the penalty area. Inexplicably, the two defenders ran in the wrong direction, the keeper dived too early and Rooney just had to stagger slowly in the vague direction of the goal. Rooney scored, we won the bet, Happy Island was safe.
 
“That’s amazing,” I said. “How could two £50 million defenders both run in completely the wrong direction. And a £75 million keeper fall over.”
 
“Ah, well it wasn’t exactly chance, Jed. I happened to take photos of the two married defenders and the keeper enjoying the perks of the Happy Island dating service with the St Trinian’s sixth form girls.”
 
 
Which is how Alun was able to buy back the island, and the reason why Everton didn’t replace Rooney with a Happy Island cow.
 
Certificate 15
Story
Tales from Happy Island
Miscellaneous

Comments

Submitted by airyfairy on

'Sonia, put that horse down' - one of my favourite lines in the whole of literature.

Laugh out loud stuff.

Submitted by The Other Terre... on

The illustrated version would of course include a cartoon showing the ramp and pulley system used to lift the horse in the first place 

 

 

Submitted by Insertponceyfre... on

Something for everyone in this story! I particularly like the idea of a Vince Cable valuation calculator. It's  very cheering to see the island making more frequent appearances on thie site lately - keep them coming

 

Submitted by The Other Terre... on

Pie party season is over, so I have a bit more writing time these days and there is a The Planet of the Apes Problem coming soon. The down side is that Terrence Oblong also has more free time, and is planning some epic prose

 

 

Submitted by Ewan on

never stop. This is as funny as Milligan's efforts ever were.

Thank you.

Ewan.

Author Page at the 'Zon
 

Submitted by The Other Terre... on

Thanks Ewan, I was thinking of Terrence Milligan earlier today. There is something of 'St Trinnians according to Terrence Oblong' about these tales

 

Submitted by Di_Hard on

thankyou thankyou thankyou

"Rooney barely managing to kick the ball, stopping every now and then to pick up litter, but otherwise not featuring."

 

Submitted by airyfairy on

Congratulations - this is our Story of the Week!

Submitted by celticman on

the problem with cowpats problem invariable follows Messi around. Rooney has no problem with cowpats, but does have  a problem with his balls.