Schism: The Final Stretch and Freedom from Agrophobia

 To those few on here who have known my slightly shoddy work on my first novel I think it's time to come clean and make this an open letter confession of someone who has intentionally sabatoged their work due to an underlying condition I have hinted at but never fully explained due to my own selfishness of not seeking the support I needed to provide me a path to complete this arduous piece of work I have been chipping away at for the past twelve plus years. As the title states I have agrophobia. I never really understood the root of my problem and for many years I just chalked it up as a minor side effect of a rather extreme abusive upbringing I had ever since I was eleven years old which I won't go too far into details as that's not the message I want to convey to those few who still check up on me from time to time to see what I'm up to as of late. I would also like to extend a thank you to those who stuck with me and inspired me to continue this process of writing my book since day one. There are no words at all to express how grateful I am to have those people in my life who kept me positive in some of the darkest moments in my life. 

Setting that aside for now I suppose I can begin with the fact that my novel will be finished by this year and I will dedicate myself in full to not fall into the same pattern of intentionally deleting the files as I have done in previous years due to this condition I have battled with for so long as I think it's time for me to finally heal and liberate my mind from the crippling fear of putting myself out there for the world to see. Even if my novel sucks and doesn't resonate the way I want it to I can live with the fact that I finally beat this inner demon of my nature and have at least done something right for a change which is not only what I owe to myself but to all of you on here who have read and supported my many works over the years to which I say from the bottom of my heart I am sorry for failing you time and time again by delaying this novel leaving it high and dry never to see the light of day again.

Currently I have undergone extensive therapy and finding more constructive ways of safeguarding myself rather than isolating for very long stretches of time which gives me plenty of space I need to begin my writing process without any stops or second thoughts. It has not been easy but progress is progress no matter how little it may seem to me. As of now I have finished fourteen chapters within the past three months and have managed to prevent myself from destroying it which for the first time in my life makes me feel happy. No anxiety, racing thoughts, or tremors/crying for months on end which is something I can't fully begin to describe at how much joy I feel being able to create something that I never thought would be possible. I write this to you and to anyone who has the same condition as me that there is a way to free yourself from this and that you are not alone in this struggle as a writer or of any type of creative endeavor. All things take time to which you not only have that time but you are good enough as is so never, ever be hard on yourself for the failures perpetuated by these limitations life has put upon ourselves. So stay tuned as I will continue to write little articles like this to not only keep you posted on my progress but to share the final evolution of my work until it is completed. Once again thank you all for being here and remember your are enough no matter how or where you are in this life. Be well, be happy, and there is always a way forward even if it seems there are no doors in an empty room. Much love my writing friends, thank you.