Goldilocks and the Three Bears (Inspiration Point)
Once upon a time, not so long ago, Goldilocks went for a walk in the woods, but no sooner had she got there than she realized she was wearing six inch heels.
“Fuck that for a game of soldiers” she said, under her breath as there were rather a lot of children around, this being a fairy tale and all that, “I’ll sit down somewhere and enjoy the forest ambience but not scuff my Louboutains”
So she looked around, and lo and behold, there was a little gingerbread type house thing in a small clearing. Not THE gingerbread house, because that’s a different story, but definitely something very close. It certainly had gingham curtains at least, and sweets round the window frames.
The door was ajar, as all cottage doors seem to be in these places, and so Golidlocks, thinking it might be some kind of themed refreshment solution, decided to go in.
It was quite dark inside – they’d rather overdone the ambient lighting, and it took a minute or two for her to work out that there was no barista, and in fact no counter at all, and not even any menus at the table. However, blisters had begun to form on her feet, and even without the prospect of a caramel skinny latte she knew she had to sit down.
There were three chairs – mismatched, which she felt added to the boho charm. Which to try first though? The biggest – a huge squashy leather Eames chair, seemed the obvious place to start. She teetered over and lowered herself in. Five seconds later - disaster! Her spandex biker leggings had no traction whatsoever on such a smooth surface, and she slid right back off again.
She was determined to keep her temper, so she counted to five, slowly, and approached the middle sized chair with renewed optimism. It was a rather exciting looking sixties wicker number - very Andy Warhol, so she looked forward to taking the weight off her stilettos. What she didn’t realize until too late was that original sixties wicker is always going to be uncomfortable, and being a fashionable size zero, she had no padding to take the edge off it.. Puzzled and slightly sad that she wouldn’t be able to recreate her favourite Edie Sedgwick pose after all, there was nothing left but for her to try the smallest chair, which was one of those little inflatable ones. Really quite desperate now, she sank gratefully into its softness ..ahh! perfect! And it really was, until one of the studs on her lambskin aviator jacket – so this season – punctured the flimsy plastic, and she and the chair ended up on the floor, quite deflated.
Goldilocks was having trouble finding her inner calm by now and as so often happened when she was stressed, she began to feel hungry. Instinctively, she reached in her pocket for her iphone, so she could talk it through with her therapist –eating was one of her issues, but sadly it seemed that there was no signal in the forest. That was almost the last straw for Goldilocks, and she looked wildly around for something reassuring – an egg white omelet for instance, or even a power shake – she was not an unreasonably fussy kind of person after all – but the only things she could see were three bowls of what appeared to be porridge.
Everyone has a breaking point, and that was Golidlock’s. Screaming quite hysterically about how unnecessarily cruel it was not to offer a carb-free option, completely forgetting in her distress that this wasn’t actually a restaurant of any kind, she removed her shoes, put them carefully in her bag, and then ran, as fast as she could, not stopping until she had enough signal strength to call a cab.
So she quite missed out on the beds upstairs, which was lucky because the bears in this particular story had many allergies and could only go out when it was totally dark. This meant that they spent their days tucked up and sound asleep and they would surely have had quite a lot to say if Goldilocks had started jumping in beside them. They were so not into girls. What happened in fact, was that they slept through the whole thing, and didn’t say much at all when they finally did wake up, thus depriving you of the whole tedious, repetitious ending, which is just as well really, I suppose.
Anyway, despite not having a proper conclusion, I’m sure you’ll be thrilled and reassured to know that they all lived happily ever after.