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'As you admired the night skies in my dark blue eyes'

'We passed each other Like two lost souls'

My experiences of dealing with school phobia.

More notes from cyberland

A clild deals with nightmares and abuse

giving up on a relationship

I remember one day we were sitting along the fence outside the house. The house was his, but we never went in it. I don't know where we all went when...

My train dragged me into Stockholm well after midnight, the witching hour, the hour which it was supposed to get me there. I was content, but terribly tired and struggling not to fall asleep on the train. I did not know where the train went after Stockholm, but as the crow flies it would have just gone plowing straight into the ocean. I did not see any crows flying about, so that was probably what happened to them too. And if there was one place I did not want to wake up, it was in an ocean full of crows. For once, I had done a little research and located a hostel to stay at. It was the biggest and most central in Stockholm. I looked forward to a good night's sleep, maybe even sleeping in, and getting out to watch the game in the afternoon. I felt hungry and fatigued, but my spirits were high. I studied the map at the train station and set off giggling to myself at street names the likes of Kungsholms Hamnplan, Oxtrogsg and Slojdg. I decided I liked Stockholm already. I found the hostel and buzzed getting ready to give my best Australian 'G'day!'. No response for a while and then a recorded message: 'all beds taken for the night'. I had not even considered the possibility! I had no back up plan and it was just not one of those times that I could implement the excellent strategy of staying up all night. I was in trouble. Suddenly, Stockholm did not seem like such a great place. I thought about just trying to catch a train to somewhere, anywhere, but then I remembered all those crows and (confirming the sky to be clear) decided I would be better off on the streets. I started wandering around looking for hostels or hotels, but all had no vacancies and gave no response. I had yearned for sleep a lot over the past week or so, but had always been in control of it at least in some measure. It was me who set my timetable. I booked my tickets and I picked my games. I knew my limits and I had pushed myself to them, leaving very little room for this kind of error. I felt very, very vulnerable. I was a walking victim, but at least I was still walking. If that was to continue, my body needed propping up fast. I felt weak from lack of food. I had been living off cheese salad baguettes, vegetarianism precluding most real European food. I knew I was low on protein and was ever on the search for nuts and legumes. I had taken to guzzling warm soy milk by the carton, oh what a treat, but the opportunity so rarely arose. Eating had become a purely pragmatic pursuit, the great joys of eating thus excreting and of course having sex had long been stripped from me. I half hoped that something would drop dead around me so I could snaffle it up, but had a sneaking suspicion any such things were viewing me in the same grizzly light. I started on my emergency rations. A box of dry cereal handed to me in a promotion. It was like pouring down a full bag of sugar. Though, artificial stimulants were definitely called for and I sought out some caffeine from a late night snack bar. Then, another fatal moment in poor preparation. I realised I had no local currency, the Swedes sharing the Brit's fear of the Euro and still wanting to play with their own little notes. How very quaint. The snack bar yielded no coffee, but proved to be a minor boon as I secured directions to another hostel. I hiked there and buzzed. "Sorry, no more beds" said the voice, but at least a real person and a chance to talk my way in. "I'm desperate, I'll take anything, I'll sleep on the floor!" There. That should about double the price. "Come on up, I'll see what I can do." Upstairs, we played a funny little game of ambiguity as to whether there was a free bed or not. The overweight, sack scratching, man sat at the counter smoking, ashing without aim, enjoying his little dick and his little power game. It was there that his job satisfaction lay. Surprise, surprise, he found me a bed and not one to be shared with him, which was nice. He had satisfied himself at his job on that day. I groped around in the dark dorm room trying to find my bed, assuming the role of the arsehole who comes in at two in the morning and makes far too much noise. Coughs rose up to say "Yes, I'm here and you've woken me up". Little did they know what I was just about to find out... I would be doing it all again very soon. The game was first thing in the morning! My schedule showed that I had things mixed up and, once again, eight hours sleep became four. A cold rain drizzled down from a dark crowless sky on that summer morning in Stockholm, the day of the game. I had made my way to the teeheely named 'Anders Limp Bar', near the nasty hostel from the night before, and was heartened to see a great number of Swedes forming an orderly queue. They looked exquisite. A beautiful people even at that cruel hour and every one of them proudly sporting the most stunning colours of the international football rainbow. I had solved my financial crisis by finding a 'Bankomat' and, not yet having come to terms with the Swedish Crown, withdrew a ridiculous amount of money. I was loaded and could have bought the bastard hostel next door. A little too loaded in fact and feeling vulnerable once more. I need not have worried because by the time I left Sweden it was all but gone. Little power games proved popular during my visit to Stockholm, the bouncers leaving us queuing until about ten minutes before kick off. I mingled with the crowd, scoring a Sweden hat and some 'snooze' off a funny little fellow who was rolling around holding his belly and saying that he wanted to puke. I soon found out why. 'Snooze' is a type of tobacco in a small sort of tea bag. One puts it under one's lip and then does one's best not to throw up. After a good dose of 'snooze' and a pull on a dubious smoke doing the rounds, my empty belly burned of tobacco. There was only one thing for it and once inside I immediately rushed for an ice cold 'Pripps Bla'. It was like trying to put out a fire with gasoline. My stomach nearly exploded. I had no time for the petty objections it wanted to bring up. Sweden's anthem was playing, the game set to begin. "Stand up! Take off your hat! That's the Swedish national anthem!" I complied, trying to look dignified, holding my hat to my palpitating heart. "Now sit down! Put it back on! That's Senegal's." The Swedes are a madly patriotic bunch and had had a bad sporting year. Bjorn Borg got married, but that was about it. All their dreams now lay in the hands of their fine football team. The match began and I joined the locals sitting in silence staring at TVs scattered around the little front room. Sweden went out on attack early and a near goal inspired a great round of Scandinavian 'oooooooohs'. Senegal hit back. It started out one hell of a rough game, something that continued throughout. Having been brought up on a diet of Aussie Rules Football, I was suitably impressed. Someone might actually get hurt. For real! It was about time, I thought to myself smiling and sipping my beer. The locals did not seem to be enjoying the match so much as abiding it like a disagreeable operation to remove a troubling Senegal. Then, ten minutes in, their team produced a goal! The room cheered and relaxed. Unintelligible chants rose up. They were happy now. I judged by the numbers that there was more to the place and found a section outside where the real action was. Hundreds sat at trestles, golden and blue, watching a lovely big screen. It was like a beer-fest, but with prettier colours (and faces). And then I saw it! My heart skipped a beat and went down to my stomach to say what it saw. A table full of food! I approached and cowering with uncharacteristic hesitation checked whether it was alright for me to eat. It was, the food was included in the ticket price and I shoveled with glee. Bread, cheese, hash browns and baked beans. Baked beans! Oh God, precious protein. I could not help but feel embarrassed by the way I ate like a deprived animal, but I could not help that either. It was a revealing sensation to be so miserably hungry and then at once to finally have food. It was really quite humbling and struck me as something I should consider more often as I watched Senegal doing Africa so proud. And they did. Towards the end of the half, they scored a goal of their own. The scores were now tied. The half ended with the Swedes feeling flat and disappointed. Baked beaned with renewed vigour, I decided to go for a run to another bar. I was hustling towards it when I happened across a large group of people standing outside smoking and toeing the gutter. I knew at once what it was. Unmistakably a cinema and what else but a radio station promotion. 'Rock Klassiker' presenting the game to its most valued of listeners. I slipped in quietly, the way anyone can during the half time break of most any show. Finding a free seat, that is always the hard part and I spent quite a long time slinking about the cinema until I could settle down with my 'extra mammoth bigger than Abba' sized coke to watch the show. The second half started and the thousand odd punters displayed the sort of vocal enthusiasm of any crowd feeling safe in the dark. They laughed and clapped at a Senegalese taking a blow to the groin like the mostly teenaged crowd that they were watching some bad Hollywood flick. It really was an exciting game, fantastically rough with some of the most tantalising play, the adolescent crowd prematurely ejaculating again and again. Full time came with the scores still tied. I was secretly pleased because - and this really demonstrates what a fool's errand I am on - I honestly expected penalties. I moved to the front of the screen to soak up the reactions. I felt like a schmuck when the players ran on. Oh, of course, extra time. The mood was unspeakably tense. The players twisted and turned, weaving a saga so gripping one could not bare to look and yet never looked away. There was a moment when but a taste of victory swept across everyone's tongues escaping just in time for them all to scream out in pain. A near Sweden goal which bounced off the post. The crowd was in agony, some cast themselves on the floor, begging for mercy from the torture on the screen. And, soon enough, they were put out of their misery. Senegal scored. Senegal won. Stunned silence. Some sat. Others left. Just watching them all made me feel sick. It was the saddest thing I had seen on my tour to date, the gloriously painted Swedes filing out in dismay. Their hearts had been stolen, or rather won, from them. I joined the shuffle out, looking no one in the eye. I felt grossly voyeuristic in the face of such pain. It was a sad day for Sweden and I was not altogether unhappy to leave. After seven countries in seven days, my schedule showed a free day. And what better way to spend it than travelling all the way down to Italy again to watch their next big game...

Hello mates! Matt here, in jolly ole' England. It's Wednesday at around 4 o'clock GMT. On arrival I was greeted by a Buckingham Guardsman, they're...