Trump reads Hansel and Gretel

So there were these two kids, Hansel and Gretel - great kids, really terrific kids. Everybody said so. And they had a father, who was, you know, weak. Very weak. He let this nasty stepmother push him around. Sad! I’ve seen it before, folks, believe me.

And the stepmother, Lisa I think is her name, she says, “We don’t have food, we can’t afford food.” Totally fake news, by the way - they had food. They could’ve had food. But she wanted the kids gone. Very bad woman. People call her “Lyin’ Lisa.” I call her that too. Everybody calls her that. Though she is very beautiful. Very, very good looking. I could have slept with her. Can you imagine? But she’s a liar, folks. L. I. A. R. and that’s a total put-off, a no-go. And look. I made the right choice. My wife. Isn’t she something? Isn’t she gorgeous people? Yes. I’m telling you. And believe me, I know.

So the kids, they go into the forest. You wouldn’t believe how dangerous this forest was. The worst forest, folks, with a lot of bad hombres, a lot of scary people, believe me. And Hansel, smart kid - he drops breadcrumbs. Not as smart as me, of course, but pretty smart. Problem is, birds ate the crumbs. Stupid! Should’ve dropped little Trump steaks, folks. Birds don’t eat steak. Everybody knows that.

Then - and you’re not gonna believe this - they find a house. Made of candy. Candy! Can you believe it? The most beautiful house, a lot of people are saying it was the best house they’ve ever seen. Not as good as my houses, obviously, but still, very, very nice. But it was small. It was kind of out of the way too. In the forest. Very bad choice. You got a house like that, made of candy - you want to show it off.  So anyway, obviously the kids are eating the house - chocolate, gumdrops, incredible stuff. Insane. But true. And who could blame them? They’re kids after all. And by the way, the gumdrops - very expensive gumdrops, not like the cheap ones Sleepy Joe would give you.

But guess what? There’s a witch inside. A total disaster, I’m telling you. Crooked Witch. The crookedest. She wants to eat the kids. Nobody’s ever heard of anything like it. People eating dogs, cats - now kids! Very sick.

Now, Gretel - and I was there, by the way, people don’t talk about this, but I was there - Gretel pushes the witch into the oven. Boom! Finished. Just like that. Some people say I told her to do it. A lot of people are saying that.

And then they go home, and the father’s crying, “Oh, kids, you’re back.” Pathetic. Useless. But it had a happy ending because of me. If I hadn’t been there, folks, trust me - total disaster. Total disaster