The Christmas Coaster

“Whatcha doing there, Sidney?”

“Me? I’m writing.”

“On my beer coasters?”

Sidney Green looked up at the bartender and looked down at his empty glass.

“If you paid as much attention to a guy’s empty beer glass as you do to his personal business you’d have plenty more customers. Then you wouldn’t have to stand around bothering your brain about why I’m writing on a coaster.”

“Geez. Ya ask a guy a simple question.”

“And make sure it’s got more beer in it than suds this time. If I wanted to stay sober I’d do my Christmas card writing at the malt shop.”

“Christmas card writing? There’s a drugstore on the other side of the avenue. I can see it from here. Look at all them pretty lights and tinsel in the window. They’re just swooning for you to go in and purchase a nice box of Season’s Greetings and not go hogging up poor ‘ol Ned’s beer coasters. What you’re doing is a crime against Christmas tradition. It might even be un-American. Like not singing the Star Spangled Bandana at a ball game.”

“Who needs tradition when you got all this empty space on the back of a coaster?”

“Because for all I know ya might start a craze and pretty soon all my customers are writing Christmas greetings on the back of my coasters. Then they start writing birthday greetings, happy retirement, and even sympathy cards for the dearly departed. Pretty soon I’m all out of coasters and the top of my bar takes a filthy beer bath because all you sentimental slobs are writing your merry thoughts on the back of my coasters and not using them the way the good lord intended. Remember: Cleanliness is next to Godliness.”

“You don’t have to be so touchy about it, Ned. I have one here for you. Here you go.”

“Ah, geez, thanks, Sidney. Let’s see, it says here To whom it may concern: Season’s Greetings and Happy New Year. If you had a pretty rough time this year I’m rooting for you to have a better one in the next. Remember: we all have to stick together or else we’ll fall apart, and that ain’t doing nobody no good. Just know you’re pretty well thought of in my book.

And those of you who had a good year should share some of that goodness with those that ain’t had much of it , though it was no fault of their own. God bless you and may I meet and greet you in person one day. Merrily yours, Sidney Green. PS. If along the way you should happen to see a cab passing by, blow it a kiss. It might be me. Cheers and merry Christmas.”

“Ah, gee, Sidney. That’s very touching. Thanks. How’d you learn to write so small? I had to squint the whole time.”

“In my army days I once spent a little time in the brig. The beers were going down too good one night and I wouldn’t stop singing Goodnight, Irene to a barmaid whose name turned out to be Eileen. Like I said, the beers was going extra smooth.  Then she got irritated that it was taking so long to say good night already, so she dropped a dime on me. But I managed to get in three encores of the same song before the MP’s showed up and dragged me away. The only thing I remember Eileen hollering to me that night was a heartfelt good riddance. I woke up in my cell in the middle of the night and started writing my life story - along with my last will and testament - on a roll of toilet paper. The next morning I had it all down on half a roll. Then they let me out and I didn't feel too good about it. I was really looking forward to being shot at sunrise. Like I said I had a lot to drink the night I serenaded Eileen and would not have minded being put out of my misery. Now if you don’t mind I’ve got to go out and send off this stack of Christmas coasters.”

“Send them how? It's to late for the post office.”

“I don't mail them, Ned. I drive my cab through Times Square and toss them out to the passersby. Then I watch to see who catches one.  After I’m satisfied the coasters are in good hands I go home and feel better about being alive. Goodnight, Ned. Merry Christmas. And goodnight, Eileen, wherever you may roam.”

Photo courtesy of Wiki Commons: https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?search=christmas+cards&title=S...