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Picking Pansies

A WALK IN THE DARKNESS The darkness entered the park gates with me. I let the dog loose and followed. Twenty yards in, the path forked at a small...

left unattended your life is defended by things that slink through the night your body unguarded from conscious you've parted until the hour of the...

i'm not your possession your object to keep i live and i breathe feel heartache and weep i've done nothing to provoke no crime have i committed so i'...

Notting Hill - a British Perspective Over here i.e. in the UK, Notting Hill is famous for one thing, the largest West Indian carnival in the country...

CONTACT (PG) [**...] Directed by Robert Zemeckis A very promising story badly marred by bad pacing and endless clich?s. It starts with a young girl...

DOWNTIME [****-] Paul McGann and Susan Lynch A man is called to a rundown tower block to prevent a woman from committing suicide and killing her son...

ARMAGEDDON [*....] HELLFIGHTERS in space, with Bruce Willis as John "the Duke" Wayne, Liv Tyler as Katherine Ross, and BEN! as Jim Hutton. The worse...

Confessions of a Cinema Fascist I'm a mild mannered tolerant person most of the time, I can make Clark Kent look like the Incredible Hulk after he's just woken up with a bad headache. But over recent years I've noticed a change, my calm and quiet Dr. Jeckyl has developed a Mr. Hyde. I've become a Cinema Fascist! I don't know when the changes first started, it may have been all those Summer blockbusters, or the British hype films, all I know is it's happened, and it's now. I love films, but I hate cinemas. Well, that's not really fair, it's not the cinemas as much as the people in them, I hate the people that go to watch films. I know what your thinking, everyone hates rowdy teenagers who rampage through the theatre and talk too much. I'm worse, I hate everyone! I hate the teenagers. I hate the parents. I hate anyone who eats popcorn, wafting that smell around that lingers unpleasantly like the odor a wet dog or a mature fart. I hate people who eat anything or drink anything, all that chomping and slurping like stray mongrels rooting through bins. I hate people who talk, I hate people who cough, I hate people who sneeze, I hate people who breath! I hate people who sit in front of me, I hate people who sit next to me, I hate people who sit behind me. I hate people who arrive too late, I hate people who leave too early, I hate people that get up half way through to go to the toilet. I hate my friends who give a running commentary or ask too many questions. I hate EVERYONE! I propose a cinema apartheid. I want full segregation. I want them to reject anyone under 30, anyone over 50, anyone who smokes and eats and drinks, anyone with a disease that involves coughing or sneezing or heavy breathing, anyone with walking sticks or wheel chairs or squeaky shoes or vocal chords. I want IQ tests on the door, I want people to conform to a specific range of intelligence and taste and humour and cleanliness. I want all ushers and projectionists and refreshment vendors gagged - in fact I want all refreshment banned - none of this "in Holland you can buy a beer in a cinema" shite, in my new cinemas you won't even be able to buy a coke, and there will be a full body search on the door to make sure no one smuggles one in. In my brave new world cinemas will be clean and bright and shiny and empty, so that, once and for all, I can finally watch a film in peace.